“She’s with Dad,” the doctor says.
“No, please. Don’t let her be alone with him.” I don’t want his voice to be the first one she knows. His smell. His morality.
“A couple more minutes.” Her voice is so rote, it sounds like a recording.
No one talks to me again until the doctors leave and a nurse finally asks me how I’m doing. Before I can answer, two more nurses come in and count to three as they lift me onto a gurney.
In the recovery room, Gabe is sitting shirtless with my daughter to his chest, eyes closed. He hasn’t heard us enter. I want to tear my daughter out of his arms. Adrenaline pumps through me, keeping me awake and craving the touch of my daughter. Otherwise, my body is immobilized. A nurse wheels me in and locks my gurney into place, her gaze softening as she watches Gabe snuggle my daughter.
“I’ll be right back with ice chips,” she says, never taking her attention off Gabe. Then she’s gone, and I’m alone with my husband and daughter for the first time. Only, it’s nothing like I expected, nothing like this same moment was with Jasper. Gabe continues to lounge with my daughter against his skin. A new fear creeps in. We didn’t do IVF this time. We weren’t trying to get pregnant. At least I wasn’t. Could he have implanted Regina’s egg in me another way? Is it possible my daughter isn’t fully mine either?
I clear my throat, and Gabe’s eyes drift open. He stands, rocking the baby, in no rush to hand her to me. When the nurse returns with ice, she asks if I want to try nursing. Gabe situates my baby against me. I see her wrinkled, elfish face. As I put my nipple into her mouth, she immediately knows what to do, and I feel that subtle tugging, unlike anything else in the world. Gabe will never have this. He will never know the sensation of having your child feed from you. Regina won’t either.
When the nurse leaves, he sits beside me and strokes my hair, staring at our baby. It would be so easy to submit to this moment, to trust the man before me.
“You killed them, didn’t you?” I say a little less certainly. Because we are here at the hospital, where he promised to take me. Because seated beside me is the gentle, loving man I’ve always known.
“Tessa.” His voice is rich with disappointment. “I’ve made some mistakes, but I would never hurt anyone. You know that. Especially not Reggie and Aram. I loved them like family.”
He pleads with me, and despite myself, I believe him. What’s worse, I want to believe him. I want him to tell me that I have it all wrong. Regina isn’t Jasper’s mother. My baby girl’s. I search his eyes, which soften when they meet mine, and it hardens something in me. How many times have these eyes, this handsome, earnest face, reassured me that Regina was a stranger? Gabe’s right. I do know him. He isn’t violent. He’s a liar. More than a liar. A perpetrator. A violator. There isn’t an exact word for how much he’s exploited me.
“I want you moved out by the time I get home,” I say steadily.
He leans over to kiss my forehead. I feel like vomiting, from the surgery, from his touch, from the fear of having him this close to us. “You’re in shock. We’ll talk about this once you’ve rested.”
I fight the urge to lash out at him. Because the truth is, as much as I want to kick Gabe out of this room, our house, our lives, I need an answer only he can provide. I need to know if my son is mine. My daughter too.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Barb
At Cedars, the hallways in labor and delivery are eerily quiet, the buzzing of fluorescent lights casting everything in a sickly hue. There’s a nurse at the desk, reading.
“Is Tessa Irons here?” My tone is harried.
She continues to read her book. “Visiting hours ended at seven. You can come back tomorrow.”
“But she’s okay?”
Her attention flits to me. “I’m sorry, you are?”
Who am I? I’m not Tessa’s mother, her aunt, her friend, her doula or birthing coach or whatever they call it. Who am I to Tessa?
I’m the woman who will save her.
“Tessa asked me to visit her.”
“You can come back tomorrow.” Her attention returns to her paperback.
“But she’s okay?”
The nurse huffs. “Of course she’s okay. She and that beautiful baby girl.”
Relief washes over me. Tessa and the baby are okay.
“She and her husband are resting. You can see them tomorrow.”
The panic creeps in again. Her husband. Gabe’s here too.
