Genuine sweat pours from my forehead now as I wrestle withthe unit, my plan crumbling along with the frail, dry-rotted old switch. Not only is my easy little fix dwindling quickly, so is any chance of me looking like a fucking capable helper—which was the entire point of this whole endeavor. I didn’t go to HVAC school. I don’t really know how to fix this shit.
“How’s it going?” Julia asks, returning from her room in a tiny green bikini with a wet washcloth around her neck. She looks amazing, as expected—it’d be nice if my huge fuckup weren’t getting in the way of my enjoying it.
“Oh, I’m just troubleshooting right now,” I bullshit, turning back to the unit and pretending to twist and turn knobs. “If you have a screwdriver, I bet I can get it taken care of.”
“Oh my God, I do have a screwdriver!” she says excitedly. “My dad was insistent on me having a toolbox full of stuff, and I guess this is why! Let me grab it.”
I watch as she runs for the laundry closet on fast toes, but I’m surprised when she stops to pull out her phone just short of the white latticed doors. She reads quickly and then spins around, heading for the speaker panel beside the open front door.
“Oh, hold on. Drew is here.”
“What?”
“Drew. He’s here. I have to buzz him in. We were texting earlier and planned for him to come over, and then I got distracted with the AC being out when I got home. Hey, maybe he knows something about how to fix it!” she suggests happily, practically skipping to the door in her bikini top.
Oh, no, no, no! This isn’t good.
Drewgie Schnauzer was not part of the plan. I wasn’t looking for a three-way, and if I were, it sure as fuck wouldn’t be with a guy who looks like a dog with big, bushy eyebrows. Hell, I might as well have hand-tied Julia’s tiny fucking bikini myself.Go change, Jules! Get comfortable because Drew is coming over!
I’m a fucking idiot.
“Maybe he, uh, should wait for us downstairs…” I scramble tofind any reason I can grab from my asshole to keep Dumbnuts away. “It’s pretty hot up here, and I don’t know if renters insurance covers heatstroke of guests.”
Julia snorts, rolling her eyes. “I don’t think I have to worry about Drew suing.”
When she turns back to the open door and leans out into the hall, I let out a giant, openmouthed, silent scream into the void.
As Mr. Best in Show arrives and she ushers him inside with her hand in his, I consider slamming my head back into the front of the unit again. It’ll either knock me out or magically fix this fucker, and at this point, I’d settle for either one.
I glance back and catch the tail end of his lips on her cheek, and his stupid fucking grin only grows at the sight of all of Julia’s skin. Whatever part of my balls hasn’t yet succumbed to heat withers and dies right then.
“What’s going on?” he asks, but I don’t miss the way his eyebrows furrow when he finds me shirtless inside Julia’s apartment.
I don’t hesitate to smile at him. Smug, confident, and silently saying,Hi, fuckface. That’s right. I’m here. And Julia is mine.
Or, well, shewillbe mine. Soon. Once I can fix this damn AC and make her fall in love with me.
“The AC is out,” Julia explains. “Ace is working on trying to fix it now, but it’s hot as hell in here. We had to take a couple layers off.”
“Oh, shoot. Yeah.” He steps inside, feeling the muggy, stale air and capitalizing immediately. “It is hot in here.”
He grabs the material of his T-shirt between his shoulder blades and pulls his shirt over his head, flexing his stupid muscles with every subtle move. Julia watches with a smile on her face, and a frog lodges itself in my throat as I try to find the words to say,it’s not that hot, so everyone should put their fucking clothes on!
“Do you want a glass of water or something? Some lemonade?” Julia offers graciously. I can’t help but notice she didn’t offer me any chilled beverages.
“Lemonade sounds great,” Shirtless Caveman grunts like a buffoon. “Did you make it?”
Did you make it?I silently mock the Dummy Drew in my head.Did you make the lemonade, Julia? Do you want to see me flex my biceps, Julia? Oh, by the way, I have a teeny-tiny dick, Julia.
“Nope, sorry. That’s all Whole Foods,” Julia says through her giggles, not at all clueing in to how stupid Drew sounds every time he speaks words.
Honestly, I wonder if I should suggest she get her ears checked. Maybeshehas wax buildup or something.
“That’s still awesome. You should see my fridge. It’s practically barren. Probably a guy thing, though. Right, Ace?”
I grunt.Fucker.
So much for making progress today. I’m trapped in an avalanche of my own making—coasting toward death in a wild ride.
