“Jeez. Thanks for that. You’re really helping boost the confidence.” I groan, but I also laugh. For as wild as my parents both are, I’m still thankful they’re my parents. “Just forget I said anything, guys.”
“No, no. Now, Ace of Base. There’s no need to be insecure. You can spell your name and even tell time now and shit. We didn’t think you’d make it past second grade, and you’re in college, buddy! You’re doing the damn thing!” He pumps a celebratory fist in the air.
“Wow,” I deadpan. “Thanks.”
“Though,” he adds with a shrug, “you clearly have some work to do if you don’t want Chad edging in on your tail.”
“I’m going to tell Kline you called his daughter tail,” my mom mutters, which makes my dad pinch her nipple and rip the bag of peas from her vageen.
Never mind, I take it back.I regret that these two are supposed to be my guides in life.
“Acer, what you need to do is prove to Julia that you’re more than the man she knows,” my dad continues trying to give me advice. “You’re more than the funny, plucky friend. You are a strong force of safety and love, do you hear me?”
I roll my eyes and climb from the couch to start collecting cups again. Suddenly, that sounds like the better option.
“You are a wildflower, just waiting to sow your seed!” my dad shouts, well after I’m out of sight. “Be the wind, son! The wind beneath her wings!”
“Dad! Just let it go!” I call back. “Seriously. And do not try to intervene! I will handle this myself!”
You’d think I wouldn’t need to say that, but this is Thatch and Cassie we’re talking about. If I left them to their own devices,they’d end up outside Julia’s window serenading her with fucking Air Supply songs on behalf of me.
“You can do it, Acer! You’re a Kelly, son! And Kelly men have a long-standing track record of proving they’re worthy of only the best women!”
I roll my eyes. Though, for all the bullshit he’s spouting, some of it is producing a by-product of sense.
Maybe…maybe he’s onto something.
MaybeI just need to prove that I’m love-worthy to Julia.
And how in the hell do I do that? By showing her how great I can be. By proving to her that I’m the man she needs. Then when I finally tell her I love her, there’ll be no chance she’ll reject me.
If I’m the perfect guy, she’ll have no option but to love me back.
I start by texting her dad some very important information. In with him, in with her. The Brooks family is a package deal, and I’m shipping myself overnight, next day air if I have to so I can be part of it too.
And then, I take to Google, searching up,What do women love in a man?
Instantly, I’m given a lengthy list, with things likeresponsible, protective, trustworthy, makes her feel safe, handsome, kindness, good sense of humor, self-aware, authenticity, good hygiene and grooming, emotional intelligence, stability, supportive, good communication skills, shows vulnerability, and verbalizes his thoughts and feelings.
I pull up my notes app and start adding key things to the list that I know I need to prove to her.
Clearly, shit like good sense of humor and handsome are already done, but I can be a better communicator. I can be more responsible. I can be more protective. I can be more self-aware.
I can be a lot more things. I’mgoing to bea lot more things.
For Julia.
Ace’s Plan to Woo Juliais officially in session.
Julia
“What the hell happened at the Kellys’ last night?” my dad asks, pulling the newspaper down from its spot in front of his face and downing a swig of orange juice. We’re in our Manhattan flat this morning, which is much smaller than our house in New Jersey, but fun to get away to every now and then. Plus, it makes it easy when I don’t leave Ace’s parents’ place until four a.m. Not that Ace wouldn’t have let me sleep over—he would have. But with Drew there, I felt like it was less awkward to leave together.
“Cassie texted me forty times while I was asleep,” my mom chimes in. “Each one getting more and more manic about icing her vagina. I swear I don’t even know how they’ve been our best friends for this long, Kline.”
I roll my eyes and laugh as Evie repeats ice and vagina like it’s a tic. She doesn’t have one, but she’s been watching old episodes ofMalcolm in the Middlelately and has a habit of assimilating her real life to go with her TV fixation.
“Gunnar came home from the Bahamas early and threw a party for like five hundred people at their house last night,” I update with the straight facts. “Ace panicked, of course, so I went over to try to help calm it down, but Thatch and Cassie ended up coming home and kind of joining in, so it was just a party.” I shrug. This isn’t that outside the realm of normal for the Kellys.
