I sigh and pick up more cups, my mind whirling on a new plan for setting Julia’s love train back on the right tracks—the ones that lead to me.
Most people would say I need to tell her how I feel, but I know with every ounce of my being she isnotready for this kind of intimate knowledge. And Ican’truin our friendship. Before I realized I was in love with her, I could barely stand to spend a day withouther. Now that I’m privy to my heart’s one and only true desire, I’d put Julia in my pocket and carry her around all day if I could.
Which, frankly, would be incredibly helpful when it comes to keeping her away from Dicky Drewlface.
You’re an idiot. Julia is petite, but she’s not Tinker Bell.
Against my better judgment, I turn back to my parents, reengaging them in conversation. “When you guys were dating, what changed your mind from just fucking around to it being the real deal? I mean, why do you love each other?”
My mom flashes a look to my dad, moving the peas on her vagina enough to sit up straight. “Well, son, your father, despite his many, many idiosyncrasies, is a capable man. He’s a good lover, a good heart, and a really good sportsman.”
“Sports—” I shake my head at myself and cut the question short. “You know what, never mind. I don’t wanna know.” I sigh. “I just thought…you guys seem happy and…” I huff as my mom’s eyes get wide. “Forget it.”
“What’s on your mind, Acer?” Thatcher insists, waving a hand at my mom to keep her quiet. “Having trouble with the ladies?”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t worry about it, Dad.”
“I’m sorry, buddy, but I can’t do that,” he says earnestly.
And I thaw a little, wondering if my initial idea to bring my parents into the problem/solution brainstorm wasn’t such a bad idea. Maybe they can help—
“I have to worry about it because your erectile dysfunction could sully the Kelly name.”
“Dad!” I shout, all my good feelings officially gone and beaten by a dead horse I should’ve known they’d kill. “I’m not suffering from ED!”
“Well!” he shouts back, shrugging at my mom with a playful wince.
“Forget it.” I hold up a desperate hand. “Just go back to your icing vaginas and shitty vacuuming and forget I said anything.”
“Come on, now, Acer.” My dad sits down on the couch besidemy mom and pats the cushion next to him, and stupidly, I take him up on the offer. “Let’s have a real talk about what’s going on.”
I shake my head. I’m not ready to have a real talk. To confess my love for Julia or beg for help or ask them how I could have ignored it for so long. So I just sit there instead, soaking in the silence. For the first time maybe ever, they soak it in too.
“Maybe you should talk to Julia,” my mom suggests lightly, but her eyes are far too knowing. “If you’re not ready to talk to us.”
I snort. “Yeah, Julia is the last person I’m ready to talk to about this.”
“I knew it!” my dad yells, snapping his fingers and playfully shoving my mom before pretending to motorboat her boobs.
My head falls back on a grimace.
“You love her, don’t you?” My dad claps with glee. “You love a little Brooks girl, and I’m going to get to rub this in Kline’s big dick and face for the rest of our lives, aren’t I? Tell me, son. Tell me you’re going to marry her, and Kline is going to have to officially call us family. Make your daddy’s day.”
I hate that he knows. But according to Blake, everyone but me knew for a long fucking time.
“Everything feels so fucked.” I let out a deep sigh. “Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t realize it sooner.”
Thatch jumps up from his seat and thrusts his arms in the air, spinning in a circle. “Yes! Fuck yes! All my dreams are coming true! My manifestation journal is working!”
My mom laughs. “Great. You’ve done it now. Now we’ll never get rid of that fucking journal.”
“I am wealthy. I am worthy. I am horny.” He flashes my mom with a wink. “Can you help me with any of those, honey?”
“I’m currently indisposed, Thatcher,” she retorts. “And frankly, the fact that it took you this long to figure out your son is in love with Julia makes me wonder if I married below my IQ level,” my mom adds on a sigh. “Ace has been in love with Julia since before he could even write his name.”
Apparently, Blake was right.
“I knew,” my dad refutes. “Of course I knew.” He moves his eyes back to me. “On a side note, Acer, it was wild how long it took you to figure out how to write your name. I mean, it’s three fucking letters, you know? Your mother and I were worried there for a bit.”
