My stomach twists, and before I even realize what I’m doing, my eyes are back on my laptop screen and my fingers are on the keyboard.
I open my school email inbox.
I click the button to start a new message.
Subject: Just So You Know
I almost texted you last night.
Actually, that’s a lie. Ididtext you. I typed out the whole thing. Twice. But I deleted it. Twice.
And sadly, that’s not the first time I’ve done that. I do it a lot.
I don’t know what we are anymore. Strangers? Enemies? A thing we can’t talk about?
Everyone keeps asking if we’re okay. Scottie asked. Kayla asked. My mom asked. Even Drew asked me last week if I still talk to you. I said no. And then I couldn’t breathe for an hour after.
You’re everywhere. You’re in my classes. You’re in the way your mom still texts me every day, trying to make sure that you’re not, like, in jail or on drugs, and I have to give some half-assed response back because I have no idea if you’ve told her what’s happened between us. You’re in the way my coffee order gets made because you used to pick it up for me without asking. You’re in the background of every laugh that doesn’t quite reach my chest anymore.
And maybe you don’t care. Maybe you’re out there living your best President-of-Double-C life and you have a new random girl who loves, I don’t know, stupid glitter eye shadow, and maybe you don’t miss me at all.
But just so you know…I miss you, and there’s a part of me—one that gets bigger every day—that wonders if I was too harsh on you when you told me you’re in love with me.
But it was all such a shock, Ace. You had been lying to me, keeping stuff from me, and then, you told me a bunch of insane things that you’d done. And for years, I guess, I was secretly waiting for you to come to that realization and want to be more than friends with me, but you didn’t come to that realization until I’d finally let myself lean into the idea of not always being the girl who is silently waiting around for you to want more.
But it’s all probably too late, huh? I’m with Drew. You’re with glitter girl. And our friendship doesn’t feel like a friendship at all. It feels like…nothing. Which is the most painful thing of all.
-Julia
Unsent. Saved to drafts.
Thursday, October 30th
Ace
I should’ve stayed in bed.
It’s what I keep thinking as I take a seat two rows behind Julia. It’s not like I haven’t spent the past month watching the back of her head and wondering what the hell she’s thinking—but today already feels worse. There’s something in the air. The professor is too chipper for a fucking English lesson. And I swear to God, Drewchebag is humming. Fuckinghumming.
I really hate that guy.
“Okay, everyone!” Professor Dudley claps his hands like we’re in kindergarten. “We’re doing something fun today!”
I brace for it. I swear, every time a teacher saysfun, it ends up being some social torture experiment in disguise.
“We’re starting a multiweek group project,” Dudley announces. “And I’ve already preassigned the groups.”
The entire room groans, but Finn’s sigh can be heard above it all.
I can’t deny I can relate to the sentiment. The last thing I want to do is fucking group project. I honestly thought this shit was done once I graduated high school.
Dudley starts listing off the assigned groups, and I zone out until I hear, “Group 3: Finn Hayes, Scottie Bordeaux, Julia Brooks, Drew Bettencourt, and Ace Kelly.”
“Oh fuck,” Finn mutters.
Yeah, my thoughts exactly, bro.
