When my alarmwent off the next day, dread like I hadn’t felt in years instantly made me want to vomit.
It had been a long,longtime since I’d been so nervous or overwhelmed that I wanted to puke.
But I still dragged myself out of bed. I had to get up. I didn’t want to, but I had to.
I showered even though I had the night before, put on makeup, got dressed, and headed to the kitchen, ignoring the way my knees wanted to shake and my stomach wanted to revolt. I heard pots clanking from the kitchen area. I was usually on my way to work by this time, and my sister Lily was usually in the shower, so it surprised me to hear her banging away.
If the clangs meant anything, it was that she was still mad at me. I hadn’t seen her at all the last two days. She’d been in her room by the time I got home and hadn’t bothered coming out to say hi.
Sure enough, the second I entered the kitchen and found her, violently scooping what looked like oatmeal into two bowls on the counter, it confirmed she was in a bad mood. Lily was like me: she was a morning person. Unlike our other two sisters, I had never had to be on her case about waking up on time for school. I was usually in a good mood, but Lily was always in a better mood than me.
Today being the exception from the look and sound of it.
“Morning,” I told her pretty softly, hating that we were in this position in the first place.
She didn’t look at me, and it gave me the chance to see she hadn’t showered or anything yet. She was still in her pajamas. “Morning,” she pretty much grunted, almost making me smile.
Eyeing her, I went to the cabinets beside her, watching as she scraped cut-up berries from a small cutting board into the bowls and then shook some walnuts out too. Filling up my glass with water, I tried my best to ignore how much my stomach ached.I didn’t want to go.
“You have time to eat, don’t you?” my beloved little sister grumbled, sounding grumpier than I had ever heard her.
“Yes,” I answered before gulping down the entire glass of water just as she slid one of the bowls across the counter.
She grunted before turning back toward the stove and picking up the saucepan she’d cooked with. “Eat it. Who knows when you’ll have lunch.”
I didn’t feel like smiling, I really didn’t, but affection for this not-so-little girl made my chest ache... with love, of course. With so much love it reminded me of why I was going today. So she wouldn’t have to. “Thank you, Lily,” I told her as I opened one of the drawers and pulled a spoon out.
Lily grunted again as she turned on the tap at the sink and waited, then put the pot under the stream of water.
I didn’t say a word as I scooped up one spoonful after the other of steel cut oats as she finished washing everything. I ate so fast that by the time she was done, more than half of it was in my stomach, and I honestly wasn’t sure if I had tasted more than the first bite.
I didn’t want to go.
“What time will you be back?”
I blinked at her back as she stood in front of the sink, hunched over it. “I don’t know for sure. I’m guessing maybe around three.” I tapped the tip of the spoon against my nose, seeing her spine curl further into the sink area. “I’m not going to be there longer than I need to, sugar lumps, I promise.”
The deep breath she took made her shoulders go up a few inches; I could even see her ribcage expand too. But she didn’t make a sound. She didn’t turn around either.
I wanted to go and give her a hug, but my feet wouldn’t move. I wanted to tell her it was going to be fine. That I didn’t want to go in the first place but that I owed Grandma Genie for taking care of her for years.
But…
I wasn’t sure I could handle it if she pulled away from me or told me not to touch her. It wouldn’t be the first time one of my sisters had done that. So like a coward, I stayed there, fisting my hands at my sides and just watching my little sister struggle with whatever she was thinking. She was the last person in the world I would want to hurt or have mad at me.
“Lily, I love you. I don’t want to go, but one of us has to, and if Dad and your mom are there… I don’t want them to see you. I don’t want them to see any of you. Nothing good would come of it, and somewhere deep down inside, you know that,” I told her quietly. “It’ll be fine. I promise. Your mom will probably be too high and Dad…. Don’t worry about me, okay? I showed you that picture of Ripley. No one’s going to want to mess with him, and I can take care of myself.”
She sniffed.
And still I just stood there, really wanting to go to her but just… not able to. My eyes caught onto the clock on the stove, seeing the 7:25 and sighing. “I’m not going to work afterward. If you don’t have plans, we can go do something.”
My little sister sighed right back. “Okay.”
“Okay?” I asked her to be sure.
She nodded. “Yeah, okay.”
Pressing my lips together, I scooped the rest of the oatmeal into my mouth as I grabbed a bottled iced coffee from the fridge. Next, I filled up a water bottle from the filter and had just picked up my purse when Lily muttered, “Do you have your pepper spray?”
