Before I could register what he was doing, Aaron undid his seat belt and reached for me, his hands going to my face across the center console, palming me, cupping me, bringing us forehead to forehead. His lips hovered millimeters from mine, full and a shade of pink I’d only ever seen on him before, and he said the words that ate me up completely. “This isn’t goodbye. You know that, don’t you?” his voice croaked, pretty much endingmylife.
I didn’t get a chance to answer before he answered his own question, his voice breaking and creaking and raspier than ever. “You know that. You know you’ll see me again,” he claimed, to me, to himself, to everyone in theworld.
Pinching my lips together, I wanted to tell him that it didn’t feel that way. That this felt like goodbye forever, but maybe it was just the part of me that didn’t completely understand or accept separation. I could admit it. When my dad had first moved back to California, I’d cried every day for months. I’d gotten used to the idea, but it had taken time. There was no hiding it. And yet this… this felt just like that but worse somehow because I didn’t know what would happen to Aaron in hiscareer.
I wanted it all, as selfish as itmademe.
Allofit.
With his forehead still pressed to mine, his mouth kissed one of my cheeks and then the other. He brushed my lips with his, tenderly, tenderly, tenderly. One corner and then the other. His hands the gentlest thing I’d ever felt in my life. And he spoke into my skin, into my heart, my soul, everything in me. “I don’t want to leave you. I want to turn this truck around and take you back to the house with me, and then I want to take you to Kentucky and have you there while I figure my life out this next year. With you.” He gulped,trailingoff.
The sound that came out of me was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, and I didn’t miss the smile he made into mycheek.
“This is just for a little bit. You know that, don’t you?” he pleaded into me. “Tell me youknowthat.”
Did I know that? It didn’t take much soul searching to know that I did. I did know he didn’t want to drop me off at the airport, to let me go back to the place I’d almost alwayscalledhome.
The thumb he had on my right cheek made a swipe across it. His nose touched mine, and his voice was weak as he whispered, “You can come visit me whenever you want, and don’t say anything about the money. Visit me every month. Every other week. Fucking every week if you want,” he offered. “This is only temporary.Understandme?”
I closed my eyes and nodded, not having the strength in me to say words that wouldn’t come out like cries and pleas oftake me with you,please, please,please.
“I love you, Rubes, and I know you love me too,” he whispered. “You’re the one who told me a few thousand miles wouldn’t really matter in the grand scheme of life,remember?”
That had me almost cracking up. Almost, but it sounded broken, and I didn’t sound like myself. “Yes,” I croaked, admitting it but notwantingto.
“You and me, we’ll figure this out. We’ll makethiswork.”
I was back to pinching my lips and nodding, a few more tears streaming out of my eyes at the infinite sadness that weighed down on me even though I knew he was speaking thetruth.
“I love you, stalker. Time. Distance. Nothing is going to change that. We’ll figure this out, I promise.” He kissed my lips again, and that time I kissed him right back. Warm lips on warm lips, and I wished we had a motel to stop at to get under the covers together, skin to skin, his chest to my face, his legs wrapped in mine, one last time, just one last time. I should have been embarrassed by how clingy I was being, but I couldn’t find it in me. Not even alittle.
“Do you believe me?” he asked, brushing the tip of his nose against mine like I would have loved in any otheroccasion.
Inodded.
“Tell me.” He kept on Eskimo kissing me. Holding my face. Keeping me together. “Tell me,” he repeated, sounding almostanguished.
“I believe you,” I said. “My head knows I’ll see you again, but my heart thinks you’re leaving me here and I’m never going to see youagain.”
“Never see you again? I couldn’t forget you in a hundred years if I tried, Ru. And nothing would get me to try. Not a single thing. Everything happens for a reason,remember?”
“What happened for areason?”
“You got me in the program. They could’ve given my name and address to anybody else, but yougotme.”
I just barely held back a choke. “I thought yougotme.”
His voice was low. “No, Ruron. Yougotme.”
I screwed my eyes closed and nodded, leaning into him so that I buried my face into his neck. “I’m probably going to be a really shitty, clingygirlfriend.”
“You couldn’t be shitty atanything.”
Ilaughed.
“You’re mine, RC. That’s notchanging.”
I gulped, feeling like I was drowning. With a sob stuck in my throat, I nodded, quick, quick, quick. I was going to cry. I was going to freaking cry for real, and I didn’twantto.
