Tristan fisted his hand and closed it around my four longest fingers. He smiled cheekily as his eyes flickered from me to the road. "Did you hear what I said? About quitting?" he asked, in a slightly lower voice than normal.
It didn't seem weird to me at that point that he was bringing up quitting again so quickly. It was easy to forget that this man with a great personality kept to himself so much. "I'm not deaf, Mag. Of course I heard that you're retiring," I managed to spit out, trying to think of exactly how I felt about it. I mean it was pretty fucking awesome, as long as he didn't start whoring it up— unless he was whoring it up with me. The problem was that I wasn't even sure if he felt anything for me besides friendship. "Why are you quitting? I mean, why all of a sudden?"
We were at a red light by that time, and he turned his head to look at me. His smile was gentle as he answered. "I think it's time."
Time for what? I held up my hand for him to high-five me. "Well, I'm happy if you're happy," I tried to say as evenly as possible because a big part of me was scared of change that could possibly take over my friendship with Magellan. He didn't have a girlfriend because of the porn so once he wasn't doing it anymore, what would happen? My poor heart couldn't handle being the type of friends we were now and knowing he was getting dirty with random girls for fun. At least with the porn I knew it was technically a job. A job with a nameless face, no emotion, and no tie.
If I hadn't had Zoey in my life for so long I'd probably feel differently about porn in general. It would be harder to see people in the industry as justpeople. My Zoey, Zoey Quinn, was the goofiest, kindest, and most quirky person I'd ever met, and she was so much more than Zoey Star. What she did when she went to Los Angeles was such a small part of who she was I knew she could care less about the people she had put her tongue or fingers into. I'm sure she couldn't remember a quarter of the girl's names she'd met along the way. It was for that reason, that knowledge, that my heart and mind could accept Tristan for Tristan King and not just Robby. It also probably helped that I refused to look up his movies, because I'd probably end up crying with a tub of ice cream in my lap. Or, worse, my hummingbird in my hand while I cried my eyes out.
"I think it'll be good for me," he said in a soft voice, peering at me through those thick, dark eyelashes. "We'll have more time to spend together..." he trailed off, squeezing my hand.
My heart fluttered in my chest at his suggestion but the small — and I mean a very small — logical part of my brain told me not to over think his words. Things could change in an instant, I knew that from experience. I used to see Robby as a gigantic pain in my ass for making Tristan stay away from relationships, but now I worried that those reins that held him back were actually a blessing in disguise. Fuck! A blessing in disguise? Did I seriously want to just be someone's last choice? Did I want to be his best friend for the rest of my life? Or have him hang out with me only because I was the only idiot who accepted him for who he was?
"That's cool," I tried to tell him but my voice cracked at the end. "I hope you know that if you would rather hang out with other people, I'm okay with it." My heart broke a little at my words, but I knew I was doing the right thing. If I needed to distance myself so he could keep going with his life then I'd do it. I didn't want to be anyone’s burden or friend out of pity.
Tristan pulled his hand away to tug at the auburn ends of his hair with aggravation radiating from the pores of his skin. He didn't say anything as he kept driving closer and closer to his house. He pulled his car into the garage and quickly jumped out before opening the backdoor to let Yoda out. As soon as I was out of the car, he was already waiting for me and leaning a slim hip against his car. His hand was still gripping at his hair. "Kat... why would you think that I'd want to hang out with other people?"
My throat felt constricted all of a sudden, and I looked down at the concrete floor between us. "You could make more friends now that you wouldn't have to lie about Robby," I managed to say.
"Kat," he choked my name out in a gruff purr. "Do you think that I've spent all this time with you because I didn't have any other friends? I didn't want anyone in my life because of Robby because it was complicated, but obviously with you it's different," he sighed and brought up his hand to trace the seam of my shirt. "You're the only person I want to spend time with and nothing will change that, okay?"
I nodded silently, trying to take in his kind words that only confused me more. What did he really want?
"You matter to me," he said softly, dropping his hand to his side.
Chapter 41
"He's quitting?" Zoey asked slowly, her perceptive eyes narrowed in my direction.
I nodded and shrugged, spearing a broccoli stalk with my fork before slipping it into my mouth. The best way to handle a Zoey Inquisition, as I called it, was to be as nonchalant as possible. She was like a shark except that instead of sensing blood a mile away she sensed excitement, and then honed in for an attack. "He told me he was retiring Robby."
A thin eyebrow went up, and I knew I was about to be in deep shit with that move. "Did he say anything else after that?"
I ate a few more pieces of broccoli, so I could give myself more time to think about what I wanted to tell her. We had gone to a Tuesday morning hot yoga class and now continued with our routine— which consisted of stuffing our faces. I told Zoey everything normally but a small part of me was worried about what she would say. She threw herself into whatever she was feeling before she completely thought about the effects. Her method was the direct of opposite of mine, considering I had to think and rethink everything. "I told him that if he wanted to hang out with other people I understood, and he just said that he only wants to hang out with me," I repeated as best as I could. "Then, he said that I mattered to him."
I swear Zoey's face went red. If this had been a cartoon there would have been steam coming out of her ears. She squealed and then started wiggling around in her seat. "Oh my god! Oh my god!"
My face flushed at her loud squawking. "What?"
"He wants to be with you!" She slapped a hand over her mouth and screamed into it. "Kat! He's quitting for you!"
"That's not the reason," I said with a roll of my eyes.Don't take her words to heart. Don't take her words to heart,I repeated to myself.
She slapped her small hands across the table like a maniac, her eyes looking a little rabid. "Um, yes it is!" she tried to argue.
I sighed.There was no way. No way.
Right?
"Booger, that guy thinks you hung the moon. I know you don't see it, but I do," she huffed, sliding her plate away from her. "He's totally quitting to be with you, which is the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Seriously. The sweetest thing and you know I watch a lot of TV."
I groaned and shook my head before shifting my gaze from my friend to the plate below me. I had so many doubts in respects to Tristan that I'd bottled up since he told me about quitting. I thought about his words and behavior recently and they reassured me immensely. He had never lied to me. There was no reason to doubt that he wanted to spend time with me and that nothing would change, but the reasoning behind his decision is what I questioned.
I didn't want to even consider having any hopes that he could have me in mind for anything besides friendship, because I didn't want to get hurt. Who would though? It wasn't that I didn't find myself worthy of his attention, but I also stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy at the age of eight, when I caught my mom sneaking dollar bills under my pillow. I liked to consider myself more of a realist than a dreamer, and Tristan having feelings for me was definitely much more of a dream than a high probability in the real world.
Bright blue fingertips danced across the tabletop, getting closer and closer to me. I chanced a glance at Zoey, who was now sitting on top of her folded legs so that she could reach across. Her expression was open and earnest. "Are you worried because he's been with so many people?" she asked softly. I knew this was a sensitive subject for her to consider because of her own past experiences, so I knew I needed to tread lightly with my words.
"I don't know, Zo. Maybe? A little? We don't talk about the porn stuff. He rarely brings it up and you know I'm not going to either. I don't know how many people he's been with, but I don't think I want to know either," I sighed and thought about my words again. "Well, I want to know but at the same time I don't."
