When I squeezed the excess water off the towel, I told myself that I wasn’t imagining it being my mom’s neck. “Please stop with the comments. You’re going to have to get used to them. You’re going to be seeing a lot of him.” There. I’d done it. I’d told her.
“¿Cómo?”
I turned to look at the woman who had carried me around for nine months, who fought me more than anyone else, criticized and judged me five times as much, and gave me more headaches than any person in the world. But she meant the world to me. Nuts and all. “You knowcomo.”
One of her eyes went a little squinty, and I saw her let out a deep breath. “He’s your boyfriend?” she asked in Spanish, drawn out and in nearly a shocked breath.
I couldn’t disrespect her by lying, so I told her the truth. “You can say that.”
This dramatic woman, who had given birth to me almost thirty years ago, reached straight for her heart.
“I love him, Mom.”
She turned away, giving me her cheek. Jesus Christ. Slightly scared of her even though I was taller than she was, I took a step closer and lowered my voice, trying my best to be understanding. It didn’t work well, but I tried. “He’s the best man I’ve ever known, Mom. I’m lucky. Stop looking like you’re going to die, come on.Es un güero,he has tattoos. Rodrigo married Mandy who wasn’t even Catholic, much less Mexican, and he had tattoos. Stop with the face.”
“How can you even—” She gasped dramatically.
Here it was. “How can I what? The boys really like him. Louie is half in love with him. He has a steady job. His grandma lives with him. He was married and he didn’t want to have anything to do with me until he got divorced—”
“He was married!”
I blinked at her, almost at my end with her shit. So I threw down the one card I had to trump this freak out: “You were married before Dad. Remember that guy?”
She sucked in a breath that had me raising my eyebrows.
“You thought I didn’t know? Mom,I’ve always known.Dad told me a long time ago. Who cares?”
Her face went about as red as someone so brown was capable of. “Diana….”
I cracked a smile at her and took a step forward, trying to put my hand on her shoulder, only to have her move out of the way at the last minute. It hurt my feelings a lot more than it should. “What is it? I don’t care that you were married to someone before. You don’t have to be embarrassed. Obviously, we all struck out with our first relationships. It happens. Rodrigo did too, but look, you met dad and had us. It’s fine.”
My mom’s back went to me, and I could see her dipping her head, her shoulders hunching as she bent over the kitchen countertop. “Stop talking about Rodrigo, Diana.”
We were back to this? “Mom—”
“No,no.This has nothing to do with me and what happened before you were even born.”
All right, so she was ashamed I knew her secret from years ago. Fine. I understood. I would probably feel the same way too if I’d lied to someone for almost thirty years.
Then she shook her head dramatically, clutching her chest again, and my sympathy disappeared. “How can you bring another man into your life? Into the lives of theboys?They already had a father. A great one—”
“What are you talking about? I’m not getting them another dad. I love him, and I know he feels the same way, and even if we got married one day in the distant future—” I scoffed, not believing what my mom was trying to imply. “—no one could ever replace, Rodrigo, Mom. How could you think that from me just finding someone I like? I thought you were going to freak out because you hate everyone I’ve ever dated, but this one is different. It’s so different. He’s wonderful. He’s probably too good for me. But he has nothing to do with Rodrigo.”
I could see her shake her head, see her shoulders shake, and I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her neck.
“I think about him all the time. I talk to the boys about him. None of us have forgotten him, and we never could. But don’t you think he’d want us to be happy?”
She didn’t say a word and my stomach turned.
“Mom, I love you. What is it?”
Her chin lowered until it touched my forearm, and she said nothing for a long time. “I’m sorry,amor.You’re right.You’re right,” she finally admitted.
“I know I’m always right.”
She sniffled, wet sounding and reluctant. “No te creas.” Her palm went to one of my hands, interlocking our fingers. “I miss your brother,” she whispered softly, like saying the words too loudly would cut her. “I caught myself buying him a Christmas present twice this year.”
I wanted to ask her for more, to tell me more about when she thought about him. But I kept the question in my mouth. I loved to push and push for more, but with something like this…. What she gave me was more than enough. It was a start. Or maybe if it wasn’t a start, it was something.
