“Maris.” Julian’s voice is soft. I don’t even hear him approach until he’s right behind me. He puts a hand at my back and stands beside me.
“He came through the front door,” I tell him. “He broke the window and let himself in.” I walk away from the maybe vampire at my back and grab the doors that lead into the parlour. “He didn’t touch anything in the rest of the house. He came straight here. He destroyed this room and then he went into the parlour.” My hands shake. I don’t open the doors fully, I just open them just a crack the way they were that night.
“I saw him through here. I could have left but I didn’t.”
I don’t finish the rest of the story. Julian knows what I’m not saying. I stay facing the doors as I speak.
“Do you have a soul?” I ask him.
“No,” Julian says. “At least, I don’t think so. Maybe I do.”
“Maybe…” I trace a finger along the dark wood in front of me. I haven’t been in here for over two years but it feels like I was just there. Like what I did just happened. I look down my hands to remind myself there’s no blood on them. “You’ve done bad things, haven’t you? Killed people?”
“Yes.”
“Is it because you don’t have a soul that you did them or would you have done them as a human?”
Julian hesitates. It’s just a split second but I hear the pause. “If I were human…No, I wouldn’t have.”
I smile at the door in front of me. “That’s where we’re different, Julian. I’m human and I don’t have a soul. I’m human and I’ve done bad things too.”
“They deserved it,” Julian says.
“Did Father Paretti deserve it when you killed him?”
I might think this is all a hallucination but I know it was Julian who did it.
“I know it was you that I talked to that night.”
“He pissed me off,” Julian answers me, “so yes, he did.”
“He pissed everyone off sometimes. You don’t kill people for that.”
“I thought you didn’t have a soul. Why does the reason matter?” I fall silent and Julian keeps speaking. “You’re lying to yourself, Maris. You have a soul. I see it. I can fucking smell it from here. I tasted it. It’s sweet.”
I put a hand to my neck. “You fed on me.”
“Just a taste. Nothing to change you. You’re still human, for now.”
The for now hangs heavy in the air. I turn to face Julian. He’s closer than I thought he was. Just a step away. “I thought you weren’t going to kill me?”
“Killing you is one thing, but this is another. I’d be changing you. Making you like me and that soul you think you don’t have? I’d take that. You’d finally know once and for all that you don’t have one.” He reaches out and runs his fingers down the side of my face. “The difference between you and me is light years, Maris. When I turn you, you’ll be free.”
Free.
I don’t know what it is that makes me do it but I step forward and kiss him.
Twenty-Eight
MARIS
The second I kiss Julian, I know I’ve fucked up. I’ve kissed only one person in my entire life before this. I’ve only ever been with one fucking person. Billy. I thought Billy was a great kisser. It was one of his saving graces and why I kept letting him back in my bed.
But this?
I was a fool to think that anything I ever had with Billy was good. This kiss with Julian is everything. He holds me close, the strength and power of his body is dizzying. I can feel it when he holds me, my hands grab onto him but I don’t need to. Julian has me right where he wants me.
Julian breaks our kiss and presses his lips to the top of my ear. “Let me in, Maris,” he whispers.
