“I’m not phobic,” she scoffed. “Just... mildly allergic. I mean, someday...? Sure...? Why not, right? After I practice not-dropping, say, puppies and kittens for a few years. I can even imagine really wanting a baby—eventually. But I cannot imagine doing it on my own. Although maybe I’ll ultimately get there, too, because I have enormous doubts about finding someone who’ll actually love me. I mean, truly, you know? Like, not just because I was Dana for a hot minute.”
Their entire conversation—or at least most of it—up to this point had been tinged with teasing. It had been lighthearted, easy banter. But this—what Casey had just said—was dead serious. It echoed their talk from last night.
So Rio responded with equal gravitas. “I absolutely don’t believe that. You just haven’t met the right guy.”
Casey nodded. “Yeah, well, maybe we should double-date—you and Dave, me and... whoever he is. Let’s call him Mr. Two-Dates-Tops, because he will surely show his entire ass at some point during our first two encounters. It’s inevitable.”
“I’m really hoping you’re talking figuratively.”
She laughed at that. “Yes, but literally is always an option. There’ve been guys—plural—in my recent past who’ve shown their entire asses by depantsing at an incredibly inappropriate time. So a two-for-one’s entirely in the realm of possibilities.”
“Maybe the problem’s with the vetting,” Rio suggested.
“These are usually friends of friends,” Casey informed him. “I’m not finding these guys on Tinder.” She laughed her exasperation. “Although, you know, maybe I should try that. Use a fake name, wear a disguise. Because it’s not just them, it’s me. Too.”
Rio didn’t understand. And normally when he got lost in the middle of an emotionally charged conversation like this one, he’d change the subject or find a reason to adios his ass out of the vicinity. Whoops, gotta get to the base ASAP. But this time, he honestly wanted to try to help her. And yeah, they were trapped in this car, but still... WWLD?
So he cleared his throat and asked, “What’s not just them? I don’t follow.”
“The... stupidness,” she said. “Every time I go on a date, I instantly go on the defensive. I’m on guard. And I get weird.”
“Nah,” he said.
“Oh, yeah.”
“I’ve seen you, on stage. Talking to all kinds of people. You’re great.”
“That’s just an act,” she said. “That’s Famous Casey. And it’s hard work. No way am I gonna spend my private life being Famous Casey. But everyone I meet comes in expecting me to be her—so I start from this terrifying place of knowing—absolutely—that I’m going to disappoint them.”
Whoa, shit, that had to be hard.
“And it only goes downhill from there,” she continued.
“But wait,” he said. “I gotta challenge your framing—your conclusion that disappointment is inevitable. I think you’re wrong.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but he cut her off, talking a little faster. “I mean, I know what you’re saying about Famous Casey. I’ve seen you do it—you’re good at it. It’s pretty freaking brilliant, too. It’s like a costume—it’s different than Dana’s motorcycle jacket and aviator shades, but, yeah, you were... her at the con. You went into famous mode. It’s a useful tool, I get that, completely. But it’s less-than—at least in my opinion. Real Casey is way better than Famous Casey, by a million miles. Famous Casey is on guard, Real Casey isn’t. Well, maybe a little, but way less. Real Casey can relax and kick back. Okay, except when it’s time to sleep, but... she’s working on it. Real Casey’s funnier—Famous Casey’s plenty funny, but Real Casey’s better. Real Casey doesn’t disappoint me. Not even close.”
She was silent, just sitting and looking out the windshield at the red tail lights in the distance, ahead of them.
“Well, thank you,” she said when she finally spoke. “I’m glad that’s how you see me. But you’re not exactly my type.” She glanced at him and made a face. “You’re too damn pretty, for one thing. I make a point to stay far away from the boy-toys, I mean, not that it wouldn’t be lots of fun.”
It was clearly meant to be a joke, like, ha-ha, it’s not that you’re gay that makes you not my type. But shit, it still stung because it hit a little too close to the truth.
And Rio’s first instinct was to S-squared—to shut up. And for a moment he did just that, letting a mile or two slip away beneath the car’s tires. But he was extremely aware that Luc sure as shit wouldn’t let this moment pass, so he cleared his throat and said, “Hey, I know you didn’t intend for your joke to be mean, but that’s... well, it’s kind of a hot button for me.”
Casey was instantly contrite, nearly throwing herself on top of him in her apology. “I’m so sorry. Oh, my god, what did I say?” She was mentally rewinding and replaying her words.
“The boytoy thing,” he told her. “And it’s okay. You didn’t know. How could you? I mean, it’s... I dunno. I gotta learn to let it go. I got hurt. Big deal. It was a long time ago.”
“No!” she corrected him intently. “I mean, you feel what you feel, and it’s completely valid.”
“Yeah, I don’t know,” Rio said. “When I say it outloud it feels, well, a little too precious or dramatic. See, I was young and stupid and thought I was in love and...” She. “They... kinda obviously didn’t feel the same.”
“You don’t need to explain,” Casey said.
“Yeah, I know,” he said. “But... I kinda... want to...?” Hoh, Jesus, that was true. He did want to tell her. He’d never told anyone about Laura. Not Luc. Not even Bella, who was his special sister. “I was ready to, like, pledge my troth.” He laughed a little. “What does that even mean? Who the hell knows, but I was beyond ready for it. I thought it was like, you know, like my mom and pop or Angie and Tony. You know, fate. Forever. And...” She. “They made it really clear that it was just sex. Really good sex, but... Just, you know, booty calls. No dating, no dinners, no conversations even, just... sex.” He glanced at her. “And it kinda didn’t help that I got the same message from, well, most of those one-nighters that followed. Nobody really wants to know what I think.” He rolled his eyes. “And I know, I know, poor me, too much sex, but... It just makes me feel...” He cleared his throat and said it. “Stupid. Like, okay, I’m not a strong reader and I struggled pretty badly in school because of that, but then I joined the Navy and one of the chiefs gave me a bunch of audio files and told me it was no big deal, that not everyone learns the same way. Suddenly I was going to college and getting A’s. So I know I’m not stupid. I just learn differently.” He looked at her again. “But there’s this part of me that’s still afraid that I am. Or, you know, that people will think I am. Stupid.”
Casey was nodding now. “Boytoy,” she said. “Twink. There is a certain lack of brains attached to the stereotype. I’m so sorry.”
