And Ashley stopped laughing as she pulled back to look at him.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“What haveyoudone?” Ashley asked. “You do know thatwedid this…? I mean, this was definitely awe.”
As Jim looked at the gorgeous naked woman whose soft, warm body still surrounded him, he knew the truth. He wanted this. He wanted her. He wanted more. And most of all, he wanted it to be real.
But he was going to mess it up—how could he not, considering the high stress and flat-out bitter unhappiness he was facing. Hey, what a brilliant idea! Simultaneously learn how tonotbe a SEALandmake a relationship work for the very first time in his life.
He was going to decimate her, except no, he, too, would be road-kill when this dust finally settled. He was going to decimate them both.
And the idea of that much failure, all at the same time, was too much.
“Ashley, I can’t do this,” he admitted. “Except, we already did. I should’ve stopped before we… Shit, I’m so sorry, this is entirely my fault.”
“No, it’s not. That’s just… not… No.” She was clearly shocked at his words, and even shaken by what must’ve felt to her like a complete 180 turn-around. Yet she still somehow managed to be concerned for him as she climbed off of him and quickly pulled on her clothes.
How could she not be angry? It was mind-blowing as Jim made equally quick work of the condom then he, too, adjusted his shorts and zipped. And he felt a hot rush of anger himself—at the world, at himself, and even at her. “Can I be… brutally honest with you?”
“Please,” she said as she pulled on her shirt and sat on the very edge of the sofa—close but not too close. “I’d very much like to talk about this, because… also to be honest, I really don’t understand what the problem is. I mean, I know you’re upset—and you have every right to be—by the news about—”
“I screwed up by letting this happen,” he said, knowing that she would notice his word choice.
And she did. “You didn’t want… Youlet ithappen…?” But then she went too far. “Oh, my God, but… you did consent, right…? Please tell me I didn’t miss the part where you saidno…”
“No!” Jim said. “Jesus! I mean, yes, I mean, it was completely consensual! It was just really,reallystupid. I’m your instructor and I just fucked you in Dunk’s office, and that’s not okay.”
She flinched at his brutally inelegant description of what they’d just done. But she still said, “I can assure you that I wasn’t thinking of you as my instructor when we—”
He cut her off. “That’s not how it works, and you know it.”
She nodded, but then shook her head. “I get that, but I very much wanted this. I’m the one who kissed you first, out in the mess hall.”
“No,I’mthe one who kissed you first—earlier this afternoon and it was…” Jim couldn’t finish because it wasn’t quite true. He’d kissed her out by their trailers because he’d temporarily lost his mind. But now, he took a deep breath, and told her, “I like you, I do. I think you’re amazing. You know that.”
“Oh, God,” she said, because she was clearly familiar with the coded subtext that reinforced what he’d already told her—about wanting to be her friend.
It both was and wasn’t a lie, and Jim clung to the shreds of his very real desire not to hurt her—or rather to hurt her quickly now, when it would only briefly sting instead of break her heart.
“I’ve been… actively trying to, um, make you snap. Piss you off.” Also not a lie, despite having nothing to do with what just happened here. “All that… excessive touching on the paintball field…? That was part of my strategy. To come on too strong and push you into fighting back. Only you didn’t. Fight. And suddenly it all… went too far.”
Except the way that she was looking at him now—as her shocked confusion turn to horrified disbelief—made his own heart break. Because this wasn’t just a small, sharp sting. She looked as if he’d just stabbed her in the heart.
But he was a SEAL, and he’d learned the importance of never leaving a targeted threat half-dead, so he administered the emotional double-pop needed to make her walk away from him and not look back.
“I even talked to Dunk about it—about you,” he admitted, and now embarrassment mixed with the disbelief that was swimming in her eyes. “About the best way to push you into getting angry—he disagreed with me, by the way, and ordered me to stop. But I didn’t. I thought if I did what Bull and Todd did, that you’d, you know, unleash your rageon me, and you’d see that it’s okay for you to get angry.”
“So this was… some kind of a… twisted SEAL World exercise?” She laughed as she stood up, but it was part sob. “A lesson…? How was it supposed to go? What was I supposed to do to get an A? Slap you across the face and sayUnhand me, sir!Like that hasanythingto do with real life…?”
Jim nodded. “Good. Get mad. You should be mad. And yes. I thought you would stop me—us. Stop this from happening. And when you didn’t…? Well, I know that you know…” He forced a shrug and a laugh, and torched the remains of their relationship. “Boys will be boys.”
Ashley’s eyes widened. But she didn’t get loud. She didn’t screamFuck youat him, as he completely deserved. Instead, she got quiet and still—her eyes enormous in her face as tears brimmed. And when she spoke it was in a whisper. “Wow, I really failed your life lesson, Instructor. Worst of all, I failed mine. I just keep making the same idiotic mistake. God, I’m a fool. I actually thought you were… But no, you’re Brad two-point-oh. New and improved and extra shitty.” She wiped her eyes and her nose and sniffed and it was as if she’d hit her own reset button, because she was instantly more composed. “I would prefer it if what happened in here—the instructor-fucking—stays in here, but… it really doesn’t matter who you tell. I’m leaving in the morning. I’m done.”
And now it was Jim who was getting angry—because she wasn’t. “Oh, perfect!Iscrew up, andyourun away—you quit. That’s great. That’s definitely what should happen here. Instead of, you know,meleaving.”
She unlocked the door, opened it. “I’m not running, and I’m certainly not quitting. I’m leaving because I’m graduating. Lesson learned—ironic, huh? You really are quite the skilled teacher.” But then she paused and looked at him, and whispered. “Boys will be boysbecause of the toxic things we teach them, but… I mistook you for a man. Maybe someday you’ll finally grow up, Lieutenant, because until you do, you’re not going to find whatever it is that you’re looking for. And I hope someday you grow up and find it—I really do.”
And with that she left the room, closing the door silently but tightly behind her.
