“In the beginning it was,” she says slowly, eyes still glittering with tears. “But I thought we were both starting to feel something else. Something different.”
I shake my head and glance away, knowing I can’t say what I need to with those green eyes boring into my soul. “You thought wrong.”
I can’t look at her. I need to end this now. This conversation, this charade, this stupid hope that I could ever have something long-term with someone as smart, beautiful, and sophisticated as Lisa.
You’d only fuck it up anyway.
My chest aches like someone’s standing on it, and I can only imagine how much worse it would be if we let things go longer. If I got attached, if I fell in love?—
You’re already in love.
“No!”
I turn to see her blinking at me like I’ve just cursed in church, which is the least of my offenses. I take a step back, needing to put more distance between us. Needing to commit fully to what is hands-down my dumbest act of self- preservation in my whole history of misguided decisions.
I yank at the goddamn tie, ready to rip the fucking thing off my throat. “We’re too different,” I growl. “Isn’t that clear by now? Hasn’t it been the whole time we’ve been doing The Test? It was the whole point, wasn’t it?”
She shakes her head slowly as another tear slips down her cheek. “We’re more alike than you think.” She reaches up and dashes the tear away, and I want to pull her against my chest. To fix what I’ve just smashed to pieces.
A door slams nearby, and she whirls around to see who’s it is. It’s just a waiter coming out for a smoke break, and her face shows relief as she turns back to face me.
“Thank God it’s not my sister,” she says. “Or Kaitlyn or?—”
“Go back inside,” I say again. “The last thing you want is for people to see you out here with me.”
She stares at me for a moment then shakes her head. “Dax.”
I don’t know what else she planned to say. She presses her lips together, tears still glittering in her eyes, but they aren’t falling anymore. I fold my arms so I don’t reach for her. So I don’t make this harder on us both.
She nods once. “Fine. If that’s what you want.”
It’s not what I want. Not at all. But I can’t make myself say those words out loud.
Or any words at all as she turns and walks away, her expensive heels clicking on wet pavement.
Shame and anger and self-pity foam up in my chest like a toxic volcano.
Of all the stupid things you’ve done?—
Stupid. That’s exactly what I am. It’s all I’ll ever be.
Surely Lisa knows that? It’s better this way, it has to be.
She disappears into the building, and the door slams shut behind her, a hard, metal clang that echoes off the bricks behind me.
I close my eyes and lean back against the cold, damp wall, hating myself more than I have in my entire life.
Chapter 19
Lisa
It’s Sarah who finds me in the bathroom crying.
I love my sisters more than anything, but for some reason I’m relieved it’s her instead of them.
She sits down beside me on the red plush chaise that looks both luxurious and absurd in a room where women go to pee.
“What happened?” she asks.
