Lily’s face went serious. She closed her eyes, held very still, her lips moving silently. Then her eyes opened, looking up at me with such earnestness my chest hurt.
“I wish for Daddy to be happy. And smile more. And cook again like he used to.” She paused, her voice dropping quieter. “I wish for God to bless Mama in heaven. And for me to dance again.”
My body went rigid at that last word—dance. The thing I’d taken away to keep her safe. But Lily was watching with hope in her eyes, waiting.
So I smiled, even though it hurt. “Those are very good wishes,” I managed. “Let’s make them come true.”
She leaned forward and blew, but the candles were too many. I helped her with the rest, our breath mingling, and tried not to think about how the last time I’d blown out birthday candles, Joana had been beside me.
Sarah appeared with a knife and plates, and I felt her eyes on me as we cut the cake. Studying me, reading my face. She’d seen my hesitation about dancing.
“Pictures!” Lily announced, already buzzing with excitement. “We need pictures!”
Sarah pulled out her phone and started snapping photos while my daughter pressed against my side. I tried to smile naturally.
“Sarah, you should be in it too,” Lily said suddenly.
Sarah’s smile faltered. “Oh, I don’t want to intrude.”
Lily turned to look at me, her eyes asking the question.
“You should be in it,” I said. “You’re part of this now.”
Mrs. Pearson took the phone from Sarah, who moved to stand on my other side. I was acutely aware of her presence, the way she stood close but not too close.
Then Sarah did something unexpected—she scooped icing from the cake and dabbed it across Lily’s nose.
Lily’s squeal could probably be heard in New Jersey.
“I’ll paint your face too!” Lily grabbed her own handful of icing and took off after Sarah, who was already laughing and running.
They ran circles around me, Lily chasing Sarah while Sarah tried to hide behind furniture. The penthouse filled with Lily’s laughter, loud and bright and gloriously alive.
Sarah darted past me, using me as a shield, and Lily tried to reach around to get her. They were both giggling, faces flushed with joy, and I found myself smiling without forcing it.
Then Sarah turned to face me, still breathing hard, and before I could process what was happening, she’d swiped icing across my cheek.
I felt my face start to settle into what people called my “look of death.”
“Before you get all grumpy,” Sarah said quickly, holding up her hands but still grinning, “it’s your birthday. I should get a pass from the doom routine. Just for today.”
“Daddy’s not grumpy!” Lily chirped, coming to stand beside Sarah. “He’s just sad sometimes. But right now he’s happy!”
I’d been drowning in sadness, and my daughter had known it all along.
And she was right about the other part too. Right now, standing here with icing on my face while my daughter laughed and Sarah grinned at me, I was happy.
I couldn’t remember the last time that had been true.
After Lily had fallen asleep and the others had left, I found Sarah in the living room collecting plates and streamers.
“You don’t have to do that,” I said. “Mrs. Pearson will handle it in the morning.”
“I don’t mind.” She didn’t look at me. “Besides, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Something in her tone made my stomach drop. “What is it?”
“I found an apartment. Decent neighborhood. I can move in tomorrow.”
