His brows knit together faintly. “I love you,” he said. The words were fragile. Unprotected. Offered like something breakable. They were devastating.
My breath caught. Heat surged behind my eyes. My jaw locked tight to keep my voice steady. “Then stop,” I said.
His face collapsed. The hurt was immediate. Visible. Visceral like I’d slapped him.
“Because I can’t love you back without destroying us both.”
The silence that hung between us like a noose was only broken by the increasing tempo of the monitor. If his heart rate got any higher a nurse would be in here to find out what was going on.
“What?” His eyes glistened. “I don’t understand,” he whispered. “I—I’ll be better. I’ll be quieter. I won’t need so much. Just—don’t do this.”
“I know.” My voice was hoarse. Throat raw. Every word cut on the way out. “That’s the problem.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m not punishing you. I’m trying to stop this…us.”
“I didn’t mean to ruin anything. I didn’t mean to make you feel trapped,” he said. Panic threaded through the words. “I just—I just feel safe with you.”
The word safe hit like a blade. I closed my eyes for half a second. “That’s not something I should be,” I said.
“Why?” His voice broke. “Why is it wrong if it’s you?”
Because I want you too much. Because I don’t know how to love without consuming or disappearing. Because I’m not built for clean things.
“I don’t want to stop,” he whispered. “I want you.” The words were raw. Bare. “I can’t be alone again. Please. I can’t do that again.”
“You’re not alone.”
“I am if you go.” His voice cracked on go. “I’ll disappear,” he said. “I feel it. Everything just—goes quiet when you’re not there.”
My chest hurt so badly I thought I might actually break open. “You’re not a boy anymore,” I said instead. “But I’m still the man who should have walked away.”
His breath stuttered. “Don’t,” he whispered. “Don’t say that like it’s already over.”
“I have to.”
“No.” His panic surged now. His breathing quickened. “No, no, no—don’t leave me here like this.” His face crumpled. “I didn’t want to die,” he whispered. “I just didn’t want to be alone.”
My chest caved inward. “I know,” I said.
“Then don’t make me be.” The words were quiet. They were absolute.
I stood before I lost the ability to. My legs felt unsteady, like I was standing on something that might give way at any moment. “I’m sorry,” I said.
“For what?”
“For being the thing you reached for when you were drowning.”
“That’s not a crime. You saved me,” he whispered.
“No,” I said. “I tied you to me. It’s not a cost I’m willing to pay.” I turned before I could change my mind. Before I could cross back over the distance between us and ruin both our lives even more.
“I don’t care,” he said desperately. “I don’t care what it is. I just don’t want it without you.”
The door was open but just as I was about to step through?—
“Anthony,” he cried.
I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. The sound of my name chased me as the hallway swallowed me whole. My hands were shaking again.My stomach churned like I might be sick. My heart felt too big for my chest, like it was bruising itself against my ribs with every beat.
Thomas’s words followed me.Building a cage out of your own fear.I pressed my palm to my sternum again, hard this time, like I could physically keep myself from shattering.
