Then I collapse onto my bed with relief.
Something prickles at the backs of my eyes, but I grit my teeth against the feeling. It’s okay. I’m okay.
But even though they didn’t wake up, I can hear Mom’s shriekingly loud voice anyway.Why are you so ungrateful, Ari? Why can’t you ever let us sleep? So selfish, so thoughtless, so disrespectful.
I pull my knees to my chest and breathe through it.
It’s okay.I’m o-fucking-kay.
Four years. Eleven months. Twenty-two days.
As soon as I’m eighteen, I’m gone.
I just need to make it until then.
I’m lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling of darkening rock, shadows filling all the carved grooves running through it. The stiller I lie, the easier it is to keep the feelings and jealousy in check. It’s only once I move, knocking them from the carefully built box in my heart, that everythinghurts.
I’d been so sure I could feel something building with Kennedy, so what happened today feels like Velcro being ripped apart. Sharp, loud, and fast, leaving me with nothing but confusion. Hart’s words keep playing over, and as much as I want to believe I’m good enough for Kennedy, I have a lifetime of evidence that proves I’m not.
Why would he want someone selfish and pathetic when he can have literally anyone?
I squeeze my eyes closed, pushing back my parents’ voices. I don’t care how today made me feel; I haven’t been imagining the way Kennedy looks at me. I didn’t dream up his kisses or us having sex.
It all happened.
And if he can look at me like that—someone who I’m convinced is the greatest person alive—it makes me question the tight grip I’ve had on all the truths I’ve been fed.
Because Kenny wouldn’t be interested in someone pathetic. Would he?
I thump my mattress, frustrated with myself. These thoughts aren’t getting me anywhere. Kennedy is still with Caroline. I’m still here alone. I can hope for my person all I like, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to be delivered to me in a pretty bow. No matter how much I want it.
The worst part is that I know I’d treat him good, and that’s what he’s looking for in a partner. Would he treat me good though? Or is his interest only because I’mhere?
The way he was blushing at Caroline makes me certain of that answer, but I don’t want to come up with it myself. I want him to tell me.
Not that I’ll ever get the confidence to make it happen.
My ears prick up at the sound of a motor, and slowly—so I don’t knock over that jealous, bitter box I’ve built—I throw my legs over the side of the bed and go to investigate. I can already tell it’s not Wilde’s truck, and my pulse picks up when that severely narrows the options.
Either someone’s back to raid the storage cars again, or …
The flash of white before the SUV pulls into view fills me with this deep, nervous excitement that’s stronger than my jealousy. I’m still annoyed and still feel sick over Caroline, but Kennedy’s already seen me spiral once, and I refuse for him to witness it again.
I’ll suffer in silence.
Something new and different for me.
He’s barely stopped the car before he throws open the door and staggers out, slamming it behind himself. “Fuck, Ziggy, I’mso sorry.” His green eyes are wide with guilt, and his mouth is sagging under his thick mustache. “I gave my brothers a message to pass on, and they didn’t. I feel like a complete dick.”
Those happy nerves creep cautiously higher as I tilt my head.
“I didn’t plan for her to come up here. It caught me by surprise, and the more I think about it, the more I’m not happy about being ambushed like that. I didn’t want to blow her off because it felt rude, so I told my brothers to apologize to you and that I’d make it up to you. And they didn’t. I should have done it myself. I screwed up. I’m sorry.” He pauses a few feet in front of me, panting like he ran up here instead of driving. His large chest and shoulders move with every breath, and the more I take in his expression, the more I believe him.
He really didn’t want Caroline here.
We’re staring at each other for a long time before I find the words.
“You were blushing.”
