A warm smile softens his gaze. “Good girl. Soon, you’ll be right where you belong.” He leans in and presses his lips to my forehead. Instead of breaking the kiss after a natural few seconds, he lingers. I think I sense my own painful longing reflected in him, but I can’t know for sure. I don’t trust my mind around him. But the kiss says so much more than the small signs of approval he grants me after watching a scene. It awakens a twinge of hope, but when he finally sits up and leaves the bed and my apartment, the hope drowns in the gut-wrenchinglonging that has me crying myself to sleep for two nights in a row.
17
Ulf
“It’s gone too far. I’m stepping back for a while,” I tell Asbjörn once I’m sitting on his couch, half an hour after I’ve left Elina’s place. It was hard to leave her like that. I knew she had more tears in her and would be crying after I left, but it didn’t seem right to stay and give her false hope. Not when I knew the time wasn’t right for the next step.
“Stepping away? Entirely?” Asbjörn leans his elbows on his thighs, a serious expression tightening his features. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“She’s not ready yet, and I’m not sure she can get there while I’m around. It stirs too many emotions. She needs clarity to find her footing. And I need space to think. I can’t think straight around her. I need to be sure this is not just a fleeting rush. I need to know if these emotions have deeper roots.”
We both have very strong reactions to each other, and as much as I believe they are pure and instinctive, I need clarity to know for sure—time to let the high die down. She needs that too. And time to settle into her new life and integrate the new ideas and kinks she’s discovered in our community and the club fully into her identity.
Leaning his mouth into his palm, Asbjörn stares off to the side, clearly not happy with my decision.
“Do you think she’s ready?” I counter with lifted brows.
He pushes air through rounded lips and drops back against the couch. “No. The hurt her ex caused is still too fresh. The other day, she told me that he keeps texting her and that he’s called her several times lately. Her shoulders bunched up in tight knots, and it took a long while and several subject turns before they fully loosened again. She’s not ready.”
“I have to stay away until she is.”
Conceding, he throws a hand up in the air. “I hate it, but you’re right. With the way she reacted to you, I really thought it would happen sooner, but I guess it’s two different tracks.”
I shared his hopes that it might happen sooner, too caught up in the prospect of having her to realize that it might be a matter of a year rather than months. But I’ll wait. If these things I’m feeling—and she’s feeling—truly aren’t just infatuation that will quickly pass, I’ll wait however long it takes. I just hate to keep her in limbo—not knowing.
“I’ve been considering initiating her into the group; she could use the support.” I’m about to add a ‘but’—say that it’s not a good idea—but Asbjörn cuts in.
“No. She’s not ready. Not when she’s still recovering from a broken heart and the confusion of you disappearing.” He sends me a sharp look that would make most men cower.
I don’t appreciate being interrupted, but I can accept it coming from Asbjörn. He’s just protecting my little deer—doing the same thing I want to do. So I simply say, “I agree.”
The idea of putting her through the initiation ritual right now makes my insides twist. Unclaimed women have to hike to the summit of the mountain, spend the night there alone, then spill their blood on the stone in front of witnesses the next morning. It’s extremely strenuous—both mentally and physically. It can also be a very healing journey, but one you need to be preparedfor. If she gets initiated at the same time as I claim her, I can carry some of the burden for her. So I’d rather wait.
Concern deepens the faint lines across Asbjörn’s forehead. “I’m worried how she’ll react when you’re suddenly gone.”
“Me too. But the alternative is to go ahead and claim her now, and if I do that, the foundation will be shaky as hell. Neither of us is in the right place to make such a commitment.”
“And you’re still averse to simply dating her for a while?”
My jaw hardens. “I’m not doing that. It’s all or nothing. Getting into all that won’t give either of us the space we need—it won’t bring any clarity. What we both need is time and space.”
Asbjörn draws a heavy sigh. “What do you want me to do in the meantime?”
“Take care of her. Whatever she needs—whatever you’re good with. If both of you want to keep playing, you should do so. It might be good for her to explore a little without me interfering. But if she needs space, she should have it. Just be there for her, will you?”
A sharp tone of offense hardens his voice. “Of course.”
I give a nod of appreciation. I can always count on Asbjörn.
Turning my attention to the mounted moose and its big antlers, I’m reminded of the clarity and strength I find in the forest. I need that now.
“I’ll be going up to the summit and staying there for a few days,” I say, feeling in my gut that it’s the exact thing I need. “Maybe a week. I don’t know yet. Will you keep an eye on things around here while I’m gone?”
“You sure are asking many favors.” He huffs, and it eases some of the tension I barely noticed in my shoulders to see a twinge of humor twitch on his brows. “You know you owe me big after this, right?”
“I’ll make it up to you,” I promise. I’m already considering how to find the right match for Asbjörn. Now that he has openedup to Elina, I have hope that he’ll be able to open up to another woman—unless he’s only able to do so because he knows she’s meant for me. Either way, I’ll figure something out. But first, I need to clear my head so I can claim my little deer.
18
