The air sweeps over my skin, colder than before, and I tighten my grip on Asbjörn again, shuffling as my balance wavers.
When we all sit again and I lift my gaze, the room and the people around me feel distant—blurry. Sensing my disorientation, Asbjörn wraps an arm around me and brings me close.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers as if reading the way Ulf affects me perfectly. But his soothing strokes along my arm don’t quitehelp. Because I feel wrong. I’m here with Asbjörn, yet all I can think about is the touch of another man that lingers on my skin.
When I look up, both Evelina and Toke are watching me. Evelina gives me a soft smile, but I can’t tell if it’s meant to be reassuring or if there’s disapproval behind it.
Asbjörn has told me that infidelity is one of the greatest offences in the group—one of the few that will get you kicked out. At the time, when he told me, I felt reassured by the knowledge. But now, I feel like I’m crossing that exact line. I might not belong to Asbjörn, but I’m here with him.
I’m mostly quiet while we eat. When Ulf gets up from his seat at the end of the table to make a toast, I try not to look at him, but his eyes capture mine like an arrow on a line, shot with perfect aim and reeling me in.
“Skål,” he says, lifting his cup—to me.
I shrink under the weight of his attention, unable to hold steady, unable to keep up my defenses. I just sit there, staring back, breathing heavily as he holds me captive.
He looks formidable in his charcoal shirt, rolled up at the arms, revealing simple tattoos of old symbols and runes. The long braid of his beard seems to symbolize authority and rank—it’s longer than anyone else’s—and the braided strip of hair gathered at the back of his head gives him a wild, untamed look, like he’s ready for battle. But his gaze is not wild. It’s commanding in this steady and calm way. Like a vast ocean. Or a finger caressing the sharp blade of a sword. Only, he wouldn’t need the sword. His enemies would bow down at a single look.
And I want to do the same.
Oh God, I badly want to bow down to him. I have explored some submission with Asbjörn, and I find peace in kneeling before him and following his command. But it’s nowhere near the same pulsing, instinctive need to crash to my knees as when Ulf watches me. I can’t explain it, but Ulf makes me want to giveup myself—become an empty vessel for him to fill. It scares me to the core even though it thrills me just as deeply.
“Skål,” he repeats, lifting his glass higher, aiming it at the whole room this time.
Asbjörn senses my still-growing discomfort and holds me closer, sliding me across the bench to bring me flush against him. Cupping the back of my head, he brings me in for a soothing hug that makes the world drift away for a moment. But when he releases me, all the tension and uncertainty return. I feel like an intruder. I don’t belong here, and if they knew what I was feeling—the thoughts my head is conjuring—they’d send me packing before I even got a chance to prove myself.
Getting up and stepping over the bench, Asbjörn says, “I’ll be right back.” He pauses behind Evelina and places a hand on her shoulder, catching her attention while he addresses me, “Evelina will keep you company.”
With a bright smile, she nods, but a frown settles on her brow when she looks at me. “Are you okay?” she asks softly when Asbjörn leaves.
“Um, yeah, I think so.” I glance at Ulf, who is still watching me, then drop my gaze to the table.
Evelina places a gentle hand on my arm. “Is it the way he watches you or the way it makes you feel that makes you uncomfortable?”
I gulp, nervous at her astute observation. “The way he makes me feel,” I whisper.
“I know it’s scary. But don’t fight it. Just let it happen.” She glances at Toke with warm admiration. “I know how it is.”
I frown, not quite understanding. “But I’m with Asbjörn.”
“You’re not his. He hasn’t claimed you. Until you’re claimed or you have set any boundaries like that, you’re free to do whatever you want.”
“I just thought…” I lift my gaze to see Asbjörn leaning in to say something to Ulf. “Asbjörn said dishonesty is an offense. And infidelity is the worst kind.”
“It is,” Evelina agrees with a grave expression. “But that’s once you’ve been claimed. Until that, you’re free to explore. In fact, we encourage curiosity and exploration. That way, you’ll be more certain once you find the right one. So just go with the flow. Ulf would never cross a line with Asbjörn and vice versa. The two have known each other their whole lives. They built this place together. They would never go behind each other’s backs.”
I’m not sure I fully comprehend what she means.Is it okay to flirt with Ulf? Should I pursue something with Ulf? How can I even do that when I’m not supposed to address him? And would I even want to?
My heart makes a double beat at that last thought. But then it contracts, reminding me of that deep wound. Part of me badly wants something to happen between Ulf and me, but I also know there’s no way I could take all that intensity. It would swallow me whole and spit me out. Maybe not on purpose, but because my wounded heart couldn’t take it.
No, what I have with Asbjörn is perfect. No strings attached, safe, and fun. It’s just what I need.
10
Ulf
I’m a little annoyed when Asbjörn disrupts my perusal of the little deer I’ve caught in the invisible pull of my attention.
“You need to go easy on her,” he says discreetly as he braces a hand on the table and leans in. “It’s her first night here. She’s already overwhelmed, and…” Asbjörn pauses, and I look up to find a stunned expression on his face as he watches Elina. “Damn, you’re lucky. I honestly haven’t seen such raw, instinctive submission since… well, since Toke found Evelina.”
