It hits me that I’m very glad Esme isn’t here.
I hate when anyone sees me in ways I don’t want them to. Ihatevulnerability, weakness, or anything that could be described by their synonyms.
I have to get on the boat, though.
The last of the cars are being driven onto it, and I know my time has, unfortunately, come. My legs don’t want to move, though. All of my muscles seem locked in place with an emotion I don’t want to admit to, and even as I suck in a few breaths to try to chill the fuck out, nothing happens.
But I really, absolutely, have to get on the goddamn ferry.
“You’re being a coward,” I whisper to myself. “You’re being a pathetic pansy who can’t even step onto a goddamnboat.It’s a boat.” Somehow, the insults help me little, just enough that I stumble onto the ferry while ignoring the concerned look of the employee standing near the bridge from the dock to the boat.
I shoot her a look that’s supposed to be a smile, but is probably closer to a pained grimace, judging by the look on her face. But then I force myself to keep going, finding it a little easier to move now that I’m actuallyonthe ferry.
It isn’t that I’m afraid of boats, I remind myself, staggering up the stairs, to the rail, and grabbing onto it with stiff hands.
No, it’s not that at all. I’m afraid of what waits on the other side of the water, which right now, feels like the other side of the world.
Something draws my eyes back to the dock, which is now mostly empty as the ramp below folds up after the last cars are parked in the belly of the ferry. I look down to see the passenger ramp being pulled up now that my sorry ass is on board and the time to leave is approaching. My heart races in my chest with the expectation of just where I’m going on this blue and white boat to hell.
My eyes find his before I know what I’m looking at, causing my fingers to tighten until I’m gripping the rail with white-knuckled hands. Larkin stands back on the sidewalk, leaning against the green railing overlooking the water of the bay. He tilts his head as he stares up at me, a question in his eyes that he doesn’t need to ask out loud.
Thankfully, it’s too late for him to get onto the boat. I don’t need him going back to hell on earth with me, when I’m already feeling off in ways I don’t want to admit.
My gaze narrows slightly, but I don’t look away from him. Even as the crew shouts their assent for takeoff and the horn blares like the bellow of a great beast, I find my attention glued to Larkin on the shore.
Why is he here?
Surely he didn’t follow me here on purpose, though I’m not sure what other explanation there is. What reason would he have for coming to the dock on his own? His connection to Whidbey Island is, as far as I know, purely through Derek Prescott.
Or at this point, throughme.
The ferry starts to pull away, yet I still can’t break his gaze. Larkin is the one to move, and it’s just to lift one hand, givingme a little wave with a small, half-smile that’s clear in its intent, even if I can’t hear him.
See you when you get back, silly girl.
That makes me shove away from the railing. I don’t wave, or flip him off like I consider doing. No. That would be too easy. So I simply don’t acknowledge him at all. My retreat isn’t particularly impressive, due to the fact that I’m walking across the upper level of the ferry on shaky legs that want to jump back onto solid ground, but I somehow manage to make it into the interior of the upper deck and navigate to the market-like area this ferry has. Absently I buy myself a drink, opting for coffee over soda at the last minute, before sitting down in one of the booths pressed against the window.
Esme was right about me not being on a ferry in a very, very long time. The memories it drudges up are uncomfortable, to say the least. It’s hard not to jump anytime a woman walks by, as if my mother is going to come back from the dead and sit across from me with a meal for us to share and an indulgent smile on her face.
“Why are we going to the mainland this time?”I’d ask her every time, my little legs swinging back and forth under the table. “Can we at least go see the horses at Uncle Roger’s?”
My mom would always give me the sweetest smile, split the grilled cheese she ordered mostly for me, and tsk at me. “There’s nothing wrong with the mainland, sweet girl,” she’d tell me, holding out half of the sandwich until I took it in my pudgy fingers. “And if we have time, we’ll see if Roger’s home. I bet Rio misses you.”
I’d always brighten at the name of Roger’s big-boned bay stallion that I loved ever since I was a baby, according to both of them. While I was never able to ride him, due to his slight tendency to overreact at the sight of a stick, shadow, or stray speck of dirt if someone was on his back, I still loved him.
Back in the present, I blink, shaking my head to clear it. “You’re being dumb,” I sigh to myself, running a hand through my hair. “This isn’t even the same ferry.” There’s no little restaurant with sandwiches and bakery items. No smell of fresh fries or people laughing and joking across the deck while other kids run around to make friends with strangers they’d never see again.
It isn’t the same.
But my heart doesn’t know that.
By the time the ferry has docked against the far shore of Whidbey Island and the ramps are out, my heart has tried to slam out of my chest at least sixteen times. My fingers tap against the table rhythmically, and I gaze out from the glass windows without really seeing anything.
I didn’t miss this place, I realize with a pang. Not one part of me has ever wanted to come back, and I hadn’t told Esme that this will be my first time back since the night everything went to shit and I couldn’t take the abuse anymore.
My eyes flick up when I hear the announcement from overhead for passengers to disembark, but I’m still not in a hurry as I push to my feet and wait for the others in the large dining area to file out, some excited, some seeming bored by the whole operation. For a lot of these people, I assume, the ferry is their ticket to working on the mainland or to shop for…well, anything.
It’s not like Whidbey Island is a hub of consumerism, or tourism. The only places of interest are the coastal towns, or maybe Deception Pass up north. The rest of the island is justrugged.Frankly, that’s the only word I can think of that comes close to describing Whidbey with any kind of accuracy.
