Mattie caught the look between Shona and Lisa. “Sorry,” she mumbled, her heart racing.
Shona squeezed her hand. “It’s fine.”
Mattie bowed her head, the thrill she’d enjoyed from Pooja’s revelation dissipating rapidly.I’m such a mess. I can’t even cope with a fucking candle.
Chat and laughter buzzed around her. She finished her glass of wine and poured more. She complimented Lisa on the tasty beef bourguignon, drankmorewine, joined in with the conversation, and laughed in the right places. And drank more wine. At one point, everyone was talking about the idea of hiring a narrowboat for a long weekend on the canals around Oxford. She didn’t know if she signed up for it or not. Mattie retold a story about her and Shona in their uni days failing hilariously at paddling a two-person canoe and going around in circles for hours. In seemingly no time at all, Pooja, Kate, and Belinda were leaving.
While Shona and Lisa saw their guests out, Mattie gathered the dirty dessert bowls and left them next to the dishwasher for Shona to stack in her very specific way. Woe betide anyone whomessed it up. The thought made Mattie giggle, which turned into an unsavoury hiccup.
The candles that Lisa had removed from the dining table and placed on the windowsill were still alight. They were much shorter now, their twin flames flicking yellow around the blackened wick. Mattie stepped closer and dared herself not to look away. Her eyes turned fuzzy. Her hands jerked forwards.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Mattie startled at the sharp shout as Shona snatched at her hand. Only then did she realise she’d been flicking the flames with her fingers. “I... I...” She shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“Fuck, Mattie. You’re scaring me,” Shona said.
“I’m scaring myself,” she slurred. “I’m also very, very drunk.”
“Come with me.” Shona took Mattie’s hand and led her upstairs.
The ground beneath Mattie’s feet seemed unstable. “Are we having an earthquake?”
“No,” said Shona, seemingly with oodles of patience.
“Oh.” Mattie frowned. “Where are we going?”
“Bed.”
“Shona?” Mattie jabbed her finger at Shona’s arm. “I know it’s your birthday and everything, but going to bed with you isn’t the present I had in mind.”
Shona laughed. “Thank god!’
“’Cos Lisa, she’s–”
“The best. I know. You, however, are drunk as a skunk and in love with Nell.”
“Not.” Even to Mattie’s own ears, she didn’t sound convincing.
“Are.”
“Neither not!”
“That doesn’t make sense. Sit down.”
Only then was Mattie aware they’d already reached the spare room. The double bed looked heavenly. She slumped, head in hands. “I miss her, Shona.”
Shona sat down on the bed next to her. “Have you texted her?”
“No.”
“She doesn’t even know you’re home?” Shona sounded scandalized.
Mattie shook her head. It had been easier to work, and then do lots more work. “I have sex with my shirt on.”
Shona’s eyes boggled. “Right. Your scars?”
“Yes, my scars. Fucking things. Why is she gonna love me if I can’t show her?” Mattie fumbled for her phone. “If Nell was here right now, I’d strip off for her.”
