“No more so than you reporting from the middle of a war zone.” Nell couldn’t imagine living and working in that kind of environment out of choice, day in, day out. At least she could retreat to the peace and safety of her own home at the end of each shift. “Why do you purposely put yourself in danger in order to do your job?”
“In conflict, you witness the worst and best in people. It fascinates me. I want to know why people do the things they do,” said Mattie.
“So you do your job despite the inherent risks, just as I do mine.”
A challenging look crossed Mattie’s face. “And you do yours because?”
“Put simply, I like helping people.” Nell’s stomach churned as the failures of the day returned to the forefront of her mind. She hadn’t managed to help Lexi. There was no hiding from that. “Do you know how many women in this country die every week at the hands of their current or former abusive partner?”
Mattie’s forehead wrinkled. “I wish I could say none, but I know I’d be wrong.”
“Two. Two women, two lives, snuffed out. Week in, week out.” Nell’s nostrils flared as she glared at Mattie. “I know what you’re thinking. Why were they so gullible? Why did they put up with being abused?I wouldn’t have done. That’s what you’re thinking. I used to think the same.”
Mattie went to speak but Nell overrode her. “It’s so easy to judge when you’re on the outside looking in. But abusers don’t land in your life with a neon danger sign above their heads. They’re charming and innocuous at the start.” She saw Mattie’s rapid blinks of realisation as she put the pieces together.Fuck. She’d said too much, had unwittingly crossed her own unspoken boundary. She grabbed a pebble from the sand. Misshapen and discoloured, it weighed heavy in her hands. She tossed it into the sea, and round ripples spread from it in a miniature quake of movement, mirroring the turmoil of emotions suffocating her. There was no going back. She took a deep breath.
“Gavin was handsome and clever. He had a flair and worldliness about him that was enticing to someone like me, who’d grown up in a sheltered and conservative environment. At first, I was wowed that someone like him would be remotely attracted to me, but he won me over.” She shrugged. “He charmed everyone, my parents included. I married him because I wanted them to be proud of me.”
Mattie clenched her jaw. “And then he lost his charm?”
“Yes, but I didn’t notice at first. It’s very intoxicating, being the centre of someone’s world and having them take care of everything for you. I didn’t recognise his behaviour as being classic narcissist. He made all the decisions, had control of our money, and chose how to spend it.” She shook her head, as if it could get rid of her shame at how easily he’d duped her. “I was so damn innocent. I thought this was how all marriages were. Without realising it, I became his property, a toy to manipulate and control. My world shrank to just him and me. The only outlet was work, and even then, my job annoyed him to the point I was on the cusp of resigning.”
“Did he hit you?” Mattie asked, her expression a mixture of pity and concern.
Christ, Nell hated pity. That was one of the reasons she had never told the whole story to anyone, not even to Caroline. Nell fixed her gaze on the horizon. “No, he didn’t. But I have no doubt that things were heading that way. The only time I tried to assert myself—when I wanted to go on a hen weekend to Dublin with a group of girls from university—he...” her voice wavered, “he made his feelings known. Oh, he was very clever about it. So I didn’t go.”
“What changed? How did you manage to extricate yourself?” asked Mattie.
Nell swirled her right foot in the water, strong enough to stir up sand. “I won a promotion to sergeant, and my boss sent me on a training course. It was about supporting victims of domestic abuse, and it was only while I was sitting in a conference room miserable as hell that I realised I was one myself. I hadn’t clocked that Gavin’s behaviour was gaslighting. His possessiveness wasn’t borne out of love and adoration for me. It was about power and control.” Nell drew in a ragged breath. “I feel so lucky that I managed to get out before it escalated.”
“But it still had an impact.”
Nell nodded. “Once you heal, you become a survivor rather than a victim, and at that point, there’s no shame.”
Mattie picked up a broken shell and ran her finger over its ridges. “Are you healed?”
Nell closed her eyes as she shook her head. “It’s a long journey, and it’s different for everyone.”
“Who was there for you?”
“A good colleague, much older. She’s retired now. I didn't have any local friends. I was too embarrassed to share what had happened with my family. I told Caroline, my sister, some of the story, but only after the event. She'd been takeninbyhimtoo.” Silence, tinged with tension, fell between them. Nell dipped her head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to put a downer on our evening by dumping my emotional shit on you.”
Mattie squeezed her hand. “Thank you for trusting me and sharing it with me.”
Nell nibbled at her bottom lip. Where did she go from here? This was uncharted territory. The maelstrom of emotions engulfing her was too overwhelming to unpack right now, but one thing was clear: she didn’t want alcohol to dull the pain. She needed to feel alive. And the one person in her life right now that made her feel that way was standing in front of her.
Mattie reached out and brushed Nell’s lips with her thumb. “Your lip’s going to get very sore if you keep biting it.”
Nell’s heart lurched like she was on a helter-skelter fairground ride. “Can you kiss it better?”
Mattie studied her for a long beat. “If that’s what you’d like.”
“Very much.” Dare she voice her next thought? “Maybe we can repeat yesterday’s sex on the beach experience?”
Mattie’s lips twitched. “Tempting, but I’m not sure that the couple walking their spaniel over there would be too delighted.” She brought Nell’s hand to her lips and kissed her knuckles.
Without another word, they turned and headed back to the cottage. With each quickening step, Nell wondered if she was having an out-of-body experience. Either that, or by confiding in Mattie, she’d opened a vent, and fresh, unfettered air was flowing in.
Chapter 17
