Oh,fuck, Urban knew how to hit below the belt.
“I don’t fuckingknow,alright?” Jesse’s voice cracked, just the way it felt like he was cracking open inside. “I don’t know.”
Matt’s eyes widened in shock. Just briefly, before he brought himself back under control.
Jesse scrubbed his hands over his face because Matt was right—that was a damn handy move. It hid everything for a few moments. Then he fixed his gaze on the floorboards, absently noting a dirty pawprint. Jesse didn’t knowanythingthat would help with the threat to Matt’s pack, but he couldn’t let them be hurt—not Tristan, who was more like a golden retriever than a wolf, or Jason, such an unexpected mix of shy and strict, or Dave, who’d reached out to Jesse, offered friendship.
He didn’towethem anything, because that was a dangerous way to live. But maybe he could give them something. His fingers dug into the undersides of his thighs, grounding himself as he forced the words out.
“They found me walking down a New Mexico highway, naked as the day I was born. Reckoned I was about seven. I don’t recall anything before that—first thing I remember, I was in some lady doctor’s office drawing a picture of a big dog. Leastways, that’s what everyone thought it was at the time.”
“They didn’t know you were a shifter?” Matt’s voice was oddly gentle, and Jesse wanted both to sink into that fact and bristle about it.
“Don’t see how they were s’posed to know when I didn’t.” Jesse sniffed. He didn’t know when his nose had started running. “First hint I got, I was fourteen and got really mad about something, andbam—I just shifted, in myfoster mom’s living room. She started screaming and throwing things at me, and her boyfriend came runnin’ with his shotgun, so I got the hell out of there.”
“They didn’t set you up with a shifter to mentor you? Or see if any pack wanted to foster you?” Matt asked quietly.
“Not exactly.” Jesse would answer Matt if hehadto, but he was done with offering his life up for Matt to pick through. Everything inside him was all knotted up. He hadn’t felt like this for years, not since he’d taken control of his life and done his own thing.
“How was it, exactly?”
Jesse kept it as short as possible. “Wouldn’t let me in when I went back, said I was born of the devil. So I headed out on my own.” And he’d done just fine, until he fetched up here and things that had been so clear and easy suddenly became muddled and complicated.
“Jesse.” It was soft but heavy with meaning as Matt leaned forward in his chair, like he wanted to reach out and touch him.
Jesse backed off, sitting up straight. Because if Matt touched him right now… He didn’t know exactly what would happen, but he figured it wouldn’t be pretty. Felt like he was only just holding himself together.
He practically saw Matt change gears, become the problem-solving alpha again. His eyes were still soft, though, and Jesse knew if he let him, Matt would offer whatever Jesse needed.
“No pack came looking for you, after you were first found?”
“Since no one knew I was a shifter, they wouldn’t have bothered contacting the local packs.” Kind of obvious, wasn’t it?
Matt hesitated, looking as if he were weighing his words very carefully. “Jesse, if you went missing, someone’s going to havemissedyou. They wouldn’t wait for law enforcement to have contacted them—they’d have been tearing up the placelooking for you.”
Jesse’s jaw dropped as he stared at Matt. That someone would havemissedhim had never occurred to him. And then the flip side of Matt’s statement became clear. No one had looked for him, meaning they didn’t miss him. Meaning they hadn’t wanted him.
“Yeah, well. That was a long time ago.” His voice was rough.
“Maybe later, you can tell me exactly where you were found, and I can put out some feelers to the packs around there?”
For a second, Jesse could almost feel it—the dream of someone searching for him, missing him. But dreams like that would eat him alive when reality came calling.
“No point,” he said, low and flat. He got to his feet because it was either move or let everything crack open inside him.
He headed for the door, expecting Matt to call him back the whole way. But he didn’t, not until Jesse’s hand was on the handle. Jesse froze, not sure whether he was about to lash out at Matt or run.
“Don’t go too far. Cale’s still out there.”
Jesse blinked hard against the stinging in his eyes and stumbled down the hallway, desperate to be alone before he broke open completely.
MATT
More than anything, Matt wanted to hold Jesse, to dosomethingto ease the pain he’d finally let Matt see. But he could tell how close Jesse was to breaking. The worst thing Matt could do would be to get in his way and trap him. Let him go, and hopefully he’d come back when he felt safe again.
Still, it took everything Matt had not to follow. The rawness in Jesse’s voice, the way he’d curled in on himself as if his own words were blows landing on his unprotected body—it had gutted Matt. Jesse had finally let him in, and now Matt had to let him walk away.Had to listen to those quiet, stifled sounds from the hallway as Jesse fought not to cry.
He dragged a hand down his face, his chest tight. He was longing to help Jesse—but that was the thing, wasn’t it? Jesse didn’twanthelp. He was a survivor, pure and simple. He didn’t need Matt’s pity. He just needed Matt to be there for him whenever he decided to come back.
