When he finally turned, he looked Matt in the eyes. “Congratulations, I guess.”
Matt was the one to break it, looking down into the glass and swirling around the little whiskey that remained. “It changes nothing.”
“What the hell, Matt?” Shock underlay the strain in Bryce’s voice. “It changeseverything.” There was a pause, before he added, “At least for you. Not for the rest of us, obviously, other than we just got a new pack member.” Bryce tried for a grin, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “God help us.” He huffed a strained laugh.
“He doesn’t know.”
Bryce’s jaw dropped. “How can he not—you mean to tell me, he doesn’t even knowthatmuch about shifters?” He stared at Matt in shock. “Why haven’t you told him?”
And that was the million-dollar question. Matt slugged back his last mouthful of whiskey and poured another. “I’m not telling him because he’s not staying.”
“You have to tell him, Matt.” Bryce’s shock had gone, replaced by a burning intensity. “Even if you don’t want him, you have to tell him. He needs to know.”
“No.”
Bryce furrowed his brow, staring right into Matt. “You’re going to leave him never knowing, always waiting? Like Cynthia? She waited until she was eighty-nine for her mate to come along, and they never did.”
Matt’s breath caught in his throat. It was accidental, the mention of a member of the Cheyenne pack. It had to be. Bryce knew better than toeverbring it up with Matt. Especially not today, when his ghosts were hovering closer than usual.
“So now you know,” Matt said, turning away, ending the conversation.
For a few stolen hours this afternoon, he’d forgotten. Forgotten everything except Jesse, and the way happiness had felt like it might belong to him again. He couldn’t remember the last time he was happy. Actually, he could—it was before that night in Cheyenne. And after, he thought he’d never be happy again.
It was betraying them, the ones that died, the ones that lived with the emotional and physical scars, for Matt to forget. Hecouldn’thave a mate. He couldn’t afford to be distracted from this pack, the one he never wanted in the first place. He’d only stepped into being alpha because he could see that for wolves like Jason and Dave, havingnoalpha, no pack, was evenworse than having him.
They had one another and Bryce to buffer them from the worst of Matt. Jesse wouldn’t have that. All of Matt’s attention, all of his flaws, would be turned on Jesse, and he’d burn Jesse up.
“Matt.” Bryce’s voice, quiet yet relentless.
“We’re done, Bryce.” Matt didn’t turn around.
But it appeared Bryce wasn’t done. “Never thought I’d see you be cruel,” he said.
Matt swung around, pivoting on his heel, every muscle tight. “What did you say to me?” His voice was silky soft, but there was no mistaking the instinctive fear flaring in Bryce’s eyes.
Yet hestilldidn’t let it go. Just like he hadn’t let Matt go, all these years. His friendship earned him rights no one else had. “It’s cruel of you not to tell him. And of all the things you are, Matt, you’re not cruel.”
“No, I’m not cruel.” Matt tossed back the last of his drink and slammed the glass on the desk. “I destroy people’s lives, get them killed and maimed, but I’m not cruel.”
His fists were on the desk and he was leaning over, fighting for air. He’d ignored Cheyenne for so many years, but the world was intent on shoving it in his face today. And so it should—he’d had no right to forget. Others hadn’t had that luxury, burying the ones they loved, living in bodies that were too damaged even for enhanced healing to mend.
Bryce sucked in a breath, unsteady and loud. “Matt,” he said, reaching for Matt’s shoulder but not quite touching it. His fingers hovered, before he drew his hand back. “You know it wasn’t your fault.”
“Then whose fault was it, Bryce?” Matt was quiet, defeated. “I was the one in charge. I led them into that trap like the greenest rookie that ever existed, and then I kept them fighting.” Pain stabbed in his chest, doubling him over. “If I’d just surrendered…”
“You mightallbe dead right now.” Bryce had moved further away, and sounded as if he were pacing, footfalls heavy on the wooden floor. “You were too much of a threat to let live, you know that.Allof you were. You did the only thing you could.”
Bryce hadn’t been there. He didn’t know. They’d been so badly outnumbered, but Matt had told them it was about pride and honor and theirpack, that they had to fight for those things. No wolf would refuse to defend their pack, which meant he’d practically forced them into that fight.
Where was the pride in seeing your lover slaughtered? Matt would never forget the sound Eddie made when Simone went down—a raw, broken noise that tore from somewhere deep inside him. Then Eddie had charged, silent and wild, like he wanted the end. Like he couldn’t live in a world without her but would damn well make them pay before he left it.
Bryce hadn’t seen the blood-soaked aftermath. Neither had Matt, for that matter—a head wound had taken him out of the fight before the end. He’d never understood why no one had torn his throat out when he went down, and he’d resented, for so long, that no one had. He could only think the amount of blood from his wound led them to think he was already gone. So no, Matt hadn’t seen the aftermath for himself, but he saw it each night in his dreams.
“You know what I think,” Bryce said, his words short and cut-off, tense and difficult. “Yeah, maybe you could have done things differently, but if you had, maybe it would have been worse. Weaver told you what to do, and you had no choice but to follow his order. If you’d refused, he’d have gotten someone else to do it, and maybe things would have turned out even worse.”
“I guess we’ll never know.” Matt’s voice sounded like he’d been gargling ground glass. He wasn’t going to have this discussion. Not again. “And following orders is never an excuse.”
“It is when you don’t know they’re bad ones. You were trying to defend our pack. Hell, youdiddefend our pack, because your attack bought the rest of us time. Matt, listen, things went to hell for some of our brothers and sisters that day, and I’ll never not mourn them, but the rest of us? You bought the rest of us the time we needed.”
