Guilt gnawed at me, compressing my lungs until my breathing was uneven as he held me. I’d ruined everything, tainting with my fears something that had been so perfect. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness, but I’d apologise before he left, though I knew a thousand apologies wouldn’t be enough. They wouldn’t undo the damage I’d done.
In a minute, I’d say the words, but for now, I’d take these last moments of comfort, being held by him as I tried to control the emotions that threatened to destroy me. Because once I let go of him, I’d never get to hold him again.
OLLIE
Long minutes passed before Archer pulled back and turned away. He stood with his back to me for what seemed like an age before swinging round. His face was expressionless, but his eyes were full of pain.
“I’m sorry, Ollie. That was a hell of an accusation to fling at you. You didn’t deserve it.”
He bit his lip after speaking, and I’dneverseen him like this, his shoulders bowed in defeat. I didn’t know why, unless… He couldn’t think I was going to have a meltdown about what he’d said and walk out on him, could he?
“Like I said, I can see it looked bad to you, so I don’t blame you for thinking the worst.” Whatever precisely that was. What was the big problem with June being here?
“When I found her here, I almost lost control of myself,” he said, so ashamed, as if it were the worst thing he could possibly do.
That much, I’d seen. I’d never forget his roar of fury.
He was moving, and I realised he was heading for the door. I could see in him a need to get away, to hide.
“I made some tea if you want?” He stopped at the sound of my voice. “You can even have the last chocolate tea cake.”Because if I let you run now, I don’t know if you’ll come back to me.Not the real Archer. Even when he’d shown vulnerability, telling me about the situation with Tim, and that he loved me, he’d been in control of himself. Just now, he’d let me see through the armour he wore as naturally as breathing. If I let him run, he’d put it back in place and, I suspected, make sure nothing could dislodge it ever again.
“Come on,” I said. “You can’t let me drink alone.”
To make sure, I took him by his unresisting hand and tugged him after me to the kitchen. I poured him a mug of tea and set it on the table, along with the plate of biscuits. Taking a seat, I pulled out the chair beside me invitingly. He sat heavily,curving his hands around his mug and staring down into the tea as if it held the answer to life.
“Should I letanyof your family in if they turn up here?” I ventured when the silence had stretched from uncomfortable into oppressive.
“Only June and Chris are barred.” His voice was hoarse. Turning in his chair, he looked at me. Straight in the eyes, unflinching. “I’m sorry. I know you better than that. When I saw her here, the two of you together…”
“Well, I don’t think she’ll be coming back in a hurry. I also think the dinner party invitation has probably been rescinded.”
He didn’t seem to hear any of that. “I should have told you what the situation is instead of letting you walk into it blind. I just wanted to forget.”
The anguish in his voice sounded nothing like the Archer I’d come to know. He glanced around the kitchen. “Is Mia in?”
“She’s staying overnight at Lacey’s.”
“Good. I don’t want her or Tim to know any of this. All they know is that I had an argument with Chris and June years ago and that they’re not welcome here.” He sighed. “I should have kicked them out of the family altogether, but I was so young. I didn’t know if the rest of the family would follow them rather than stick by a teenager who didn’t know what he was doing.”
“What happened between you?”
“I don’t know if anyone’s told you, but when Dad died, my mum went back to her own family. She couldn’t handle being here without him.”
I counted to five before opening my mouth because I had so many questions and opinions bursting to get out that, if I wasn’t careful, I’d say completely the wrong thing. “She left you all?” It came out sounding incredulous, despite my best efforts. Mia and Tim must have been no more than seven and eight. How could she leave them?
“She made noises about taking Tim and Mia with her, but when they cried at the prospect of leaving everything and everyone they knew, she didn’t suggest it again. She can’t have really wanted them.”
“What about you?”
“That was never on the cards. I was head of the family—I couldn’t leave, even if I’d wanted to. And I didn’t.”
I could understand why he hadn’t wanted to go with her. Their mother ran away when they needed her most. Why would any of them forgive her for that?
My expression must have betrayed my thoughts, because he said, “It’s not her fault. Everyone handles grief differently, and some can’t handle it at all.”
He could say that till the cows came home, but I was going to judge her for the rest of my life. “Is she in touch with you?”
“Tim and Mia sometimes visit her now they’re older. Mia more than Tim. But the point is, when she left, I was flailing. Everything had changed—I had to learn how to be head, because of course Dad never shared any of that with me, and I had to look after Mia and Tim, and I had to find a job because going to uni was no longer an option. Dad hadn’t left us anything, other than his treasure. I needed to keep that to pay for the upkeep of the house. So I didn’t know what I was doing, and Chris and June stepped in to help. They were amazing at first.”
