She startles as I enter, her nostrils flaring slightly at the sight of me. I freeze as well, nervous because I’m a big guy and our first time meeting is in our now-shared kitchen in the middle of the night while we’re both wearing pajamas. Hers hang loose on her body, like they’re a size too big, and her red hair is bright, curls bouncing in every direction.
I’m really hoping that I don’t scare her, especially as I see anxiousness spread over her features. I discreetly take an inhale to see if there’s any other emotion I should be aware of, but there is no scent coming from her. I tilt my head, confused. I thought she was an omega. Then I realize that she must be on blockers to keep her scent to herself.
Honestly, I respect it. There’s no need for everyone to know what your scent is.
“Hi,” she finally says, her hands wrapped around the frying pan that’s cradled to her chest. The light above the stove shines over her face, highlighting the freckles that dance across her features.
When I realize I’m still staring, I give a nod of acknowledgment,but nothing else comes out. I flatten my lips, somehow terrified of speaking. I walk past her to get out a pan and fill it with water, placing it over the opposite side of the stove she is using as we start to work around each other to make our meals.
I will the water to heat quickly, feeling my skin prickle at her proximity. I just need tosaysomething.Anything.But I can’t seem to make words form in my throat. It’s like my voice box has been temporarily pulled out of me as she flips the egg in her pan and sets it to the back burner to cool. She turns to look at me and our eyes meet. Mine flare with fear, so I turn away from her, not wanting her to see the uncomfortable state I’m in.
Interacting should be easy, especially with this person that both of my pack mates trust enough to come into our space, but I can’t bring myself to make small talk. Not when I’ve put so much pressure on this conversation all day. Now it’s happening, and I’ve just… shut down.
I finish my noodles in record time, draining the soup out slightly before putting it in my bowl. The sides slightly burn my hands as I grab it, but it’s a welcome distraction.
“Nice to meet you, Curly,” I finally say on my way out, not even bothering to look back. I get to my room and finally feel like I can take a breath, then guilt settles in deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.
The ramen goes down harshly, the regret haunting me during the entire meal.
TEN
Playing: “People Watching” by Conan Gray
Before meeting Stacia and Rory,I was a bit of a recluse. I enjoyed being alone with nothing but my crochet supplies and my switch, binge-watching my latest obsession or downloading the newest game to play.
But now I enjoy the time I get with my friends, even if they’re all coupled up. Hanging out with them at their cozy abodes has become one of my favorite pastimes.
Ciro and Kendall sit on either side of Stacia on the couch, giggling about something they’re watching on her phone. They joke back and forth, doing whatever they can to make Stacia laugh harder. Atlas comes around the back of the couch and gives her another drink—likely a virgin mocktail since she has recently given up alcohol as part of her sobriety. She smiles up at him, love written all over her face, as he places a tender kiss on her forehead and walks away, letting his pack mates entertain her once more.
Then there’s Rory, who is standing in the corner with her most evenly-matched mate. Her and Jett are discussing something that they learned in class today. This semester, they found themselves in another class together, some elective for acting majors that circles around interpretation and vocal styles. They’ve discovered that they have different approaches when it comes to their practice, and it’s been a conversation for a few days now. Still, it’s lighthearted as Rory jokingly scoffs whenever Jett says something she disagrees with. I watch them laugh, and Rory smacks his shoulder while he whispers something conspiratorially in her ear. As I take in my friends’ happiness, joy sparks in my chest. Seeing the way my friends are loved by their respective packs shows me how much love really does exist. I have very real, tangible examples right in front of me. And something about that feels hopeful.
For so long, I’ve wanted someone that I can care about. Someone who can see me for who I am, inside and out. But now, all I want is not to feel broken or like my body is betraying me.
Despite all the happy couples, I don’t feel overlooked or abandoned. I don’t feel squandered off to the side. I feel lucky to be here with people who see and understand me.
It almost makes me feel complete.
Rory looks over and smiles, patting her alpha’s leg before coming over to greet me. Her warmth is as welcoming as always as she pulls me into a hug, her embrace calming and true. “I’m so glad you came out tonight,” she says.
I pull back and say, “My energy reserves can handle a lot more social interaction now that I have my own room to nest in.”
“I’m so glad you have that again. Our omegas may beat many stereotypes, but needing our own space will always be accurate.” She laughs. “Even now, I have some days where Idon’t let any of them in my room because I just need to sit in my own scent for a while, you know?”
I nod, but the absence of my own scent falls over me like a ton of bricks. The slight dejection must appear on my face because Rory asks in a whisper, “How are things going, though? You know, living with…them.”
Rory’s tactfulness makes me grateful as always. She is the only one who knows about my scent matches, and she’s been a true friend about it through and through. Even when she found out her own scent match had been lying to her, she didn’t push me to come clean. If anything, it helped us better understand each other. Seeing her fall in love with her scent match despite the deception has helped me picture a more positive outcome to my own situation. It might have even given me the courage to come clean to Sam if it weren’t for my fear of rejection, not to mention my condition.
The thought makes my throat tight. That’s one thing that Rory doesn’t know. No one knows, really, except for Cindy. I’m not sure how to finally bring it up. It was hard enough admitting to someone that I had met my scent match. Stacia, Rory, and I… We’re omegas, so we all understand each other on a biological level, but this sets me apart from them. This is something that I have to suffer through alone, and I don’t want to show them that my biology is different from theirs.
I know deep down they wouldn’t look at me any differently, but I can’t take that risk, not when I’ve been looking for omega friends who understand me for so long.
So, I paste on a smile, one as award-winning as Rory’s future ones will be, and nod. “Things are great.”
Rory doesn’t necessarily look suspicious, but she does squint at me. “But… how are they? Do you enjoy living with them?”
My lips flatten, and I keep my face neutral. “They’re lovely.Kit, especially. He likes a lot of the same stuff I do. LikeKeywe.”
Rory takes the bait as she grimaces. “Please don’t remind me, I’ll get mad at you again.”
