Just standing here, surrounded by watchful eyes, judging my lack of worth, my blood roars between my ears. Tears turn tosharp knives at the back of my throat. The air burns going down my lungs.
But Mom isn’t done.
“I just don’t know what you want from me. I’ve done the best I can. I just... I feel like nothing I do is good enough for you. You are honestly so selfish most days.”
Useless.
Selfish.
Irresponsible.
Unreliable.
Unwanted.
Replaceable.
A terrible mother.
Stupid, stupid fuck up.
I’m shaking so hard, my bones hurt. My insides gnaw on themselves. Everything inside me bleeds, forming a fist sized ball deep in my throat I can’t breathe around.
“That’s enough.”
I didn’t see Nicolas move to stand between me and my mom, but his broad back blocks the light. Blocks me.
Shields me.
“We’re going to go get the tree. We’ll grab coffee on our way.”
I’m forgotten as Mom focuses her attention on him.
“Oh, there’s no need for that. I have a thermos…”
I don’t wait to hear the rest. I don’t care as I turn and hurry... away.
Not upstairs.
Not out the front door.
I reach the corner between the two when Dom catches me.
His long fingers curl around my wrist and I’m pulled into his chest.
“I got you,” he murmurs into the top of my head.
And something in that gentle whisper, in the arms he closes around me, breaks me. I dissolve into tears. Everything I usually carry with me until I’m alone untangles in a mess of gasping heaves that soak his top.
I know I shouldn’t. I know I’m making a spectacle of myself, an embarrassment, but it has been so long since anyone has held me. Just the unyielding weight of his hold squeezing my broken pieces together is enough to pull me under the waves.
In my ear where the currents roar, he continues to whisper words I can’t hear. They’re followed by the gentle strokes of his fingers through my hair.
Beneath his hold I’m burning. Heat wafts up through my sweater and turns my skin clammy. I don’t know if he can feel it, too, but he’s not pulling away.
Not even when my jagged sobs slow to hiccups.
Chapter Eleven
