What do I have to offer a baby?
Part of me knows I have no business with something so pure and innocent. But a bigger, hungrier part knows I would be a great mom. I would give that baby so much love. All the love I have longed for my entire life. I would never abandon it or tell it that it was a mistake.
But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t fuck up its life somehow. What if I do run? I wouldn’t mean to but what if I can’t stop myself?
Last night was proof I can’t be trusted even though I wasn’t running.
I was.
Just not away, but away enough. Only for the night. Just a few hours away from all the voices in my head. The temptation to do something I know I’m not strong enough to walk away from.
I knew if I stayed, I would go to the guesthouse. I would wait until the house was still with the gentle hush of everyone’s soft breathing, slip on my shoes and sprint across the yard. I would bolt up the stairs and crawl into their bed. No questions asked.
But I’ve already embarrassed myself enough.
I’ve done things, said things I can never take back and, while I don’t regret them, it’s hard looking Nicolas in the eyes knowing what he thinks of me. How little.
I also can’t further my humiliation after hearing him with my own ears that he doesn’t want me.
“I told you why it was a bad idea. Why she was a bad idea. Everything about her is chaos, Dom. She’s a walking hazard. Letting her into our lives will destroy everything.”
He couldn’t have been clearer. I almost appreciate that he was also honest straight to my face. But I’m not going to chase a man no matter how badly I want him. Dom may think we can make this work, but at the end of the day, I’m not getting in the middle of their relationship. Dom may be stubborn and decided, but Nicolas is worse. His head is a concrete wall once he sets his mind to something.
But that’s fine. I came here expecting nothing and I’m going to leave with a new lesson to add to all the other reasons I’m going to die alone. At this point, I’m not even fighting it.
???
I wake the next morning to a light layer of snow lining the earth. It clings to rooftops and has children running from theirhomes to roll across their yards. There’s just enough to give the illusion of the holidays.
A few years back, I lived in Michigan for a few months during winter and nothing will beat that snow fall. I almost thought we were going to drown in it.
I liked Michigan. Not the weather, but the people. After them, my tiny apartment overlooking the sprawling metropolis of Los Angeles was a massive change. Everyone was always in such a hurry. So much noise and chaos. I was almost relieved when I moved to Connecticut.
Absently, I pick at the bit of skin on my thumb. It’s a nice distraction from the question humming in my skull.
Fifteen states in nine years.
There was nothing wrong with any of them. I was the problem every time and the people I disappointed needed a fresh start from me.
“You can’t always keep running,” Nicolas’s words cut through my thoughts.
It’s not that easy.
After leaving home, I moved to Oklahoma for a few months. I met Daryl. A big, burly man with big hands and kind, blue eyes. He was an equipment manager for an indie band. He’d been so kind. So warm and welcoming. Wouldn’t even pull my hair when fucking me because he hadn’t wanted to hurt me.
He was good.
Too good for someone who was ultimately going to fuck up his life. He was too blind to see what a mistake he was making.
I burnt dinner, filled the entire apartment with smoke thick enough to soak into everything he owned. He reeked for a month. But he only worried if I was okay. If I needed anything. He’d been so frantic and I realized I didn’t deserve that. Eventually, he would come to see I was only a weight holdinghim down and he’d hate me. He’d leave right as I let my guard down.
So, I left.
I packed my things while he was at work. I left him a note explaining how sorry I was for failing him and I vanished. I moved to Missouri. Started over.
Daryl may have called and texted. I’m not sure. I changed my number that same afternoon.
So, maybe Nicolas is right to keep me away from his life. Away from Dom. He’s right to protect them from me. I won’t bring anything good to the table. I won’t stay. I know I won’t because why would they want me to? Both are brilliant and successful. They have their lives together. I have nothing to offer, except my womb.
