Shit.
The lights in the restaurant were too bright. My jacket was too heavy, and my breath felt tight in my chest. My carefully constructed life was squeezing with a claustrophobic fist, punishing me for my weakness. For taking things too far with Holden.
For starting something that had nowhere to go.
“I gotta go,” I said, climbing out of the booth.
“Where?”
“To seewho?” Donte asked, eyebrows raised.
“Your mom,” I muttered. “She hates it when I’m late.”
The others laughed, but Donte only shrugged, wearing a small knowing smile I didn’t like. “Tell her I said hi.”
I strode through the restaurant and shoved open a side door to the parking lot, my face on fire as if I had a fever. A storm was brewing off the ocean. The sky was heavy with clouds, and chilly wind swirled a red-and-white candy wrapper around the black asphalt. Against the side wall of the restaurant, I pulled out my phone.
I can’t make it tonight.
The reply came a few long moments later.Sounds ominous.
I let my head fall back against the bricks and hit the Call button. Holden picked up but said nothing.
“Hello?”
“I’m listening,” he said.
“Look…I can’t do this.”
“This.”
“Us. Whatever the fuck we’re doing.”
“Since when?” Holden demanded. “Did something extraordinary happen between now and three hours ago when we were sucking face in your entryway?”
“No, nothing happened,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “Okay, yes.Lifehappened. My messed-up life. It’s not fair that you should put up with my shit while I try to figure it out. You deserve more than my conflicted ass running hot and cold on you every other damn minute.”
“Shut up.”
I blinked. “What?”
“I said, shut up,” Holden snapped. “You’re worried about what Ideserve? As if you have the monopoly on being fucked up. I have trust issues. I don’t set healthy boundaries. I close down emotionally before people get too close, and I sabotage relationships because I want to be the one who leaves first.”
“That’s…a lot of information.”
“It’s my official résumé. I broke into the head doctor’s office in the sanitarium one night and read my file.”
I snorted a laugh despite myself.This guy…In that moment, I sort of felt bad for anyone who didn’t know Holden and proud that I did. Even if he was going to fucking ruin me.
Holden felt me relent, and his arrogant tone returned.
“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t mind being your dirty little secret. Emphasis ondirty.”
“You’d be okay with that?”
“Spare me your pity party. I’ll survive if you don’t want to hold my hand in the hallway or make me your prom queen. We can keep it casual.”
“Casual.”
