***
The school day couldn’t end soon enough. I slammed the front door of our house and took the stairs up, hoping for a few minutes alone to mentally put myself back together before football practice.
“River?”
My mother’s voice was weak but enough to reach me from her door that was cracked open.
“Hey, Mom,” I said, stepping inside. She looked so damn small in that big bed.
“I won’t keep you. I just wanted a word.”
“Of course.” I set my bag on the floor and sat on the edge of the bed, trying for a smile. “What’s up?”
“Don’t do that, please,” she said gently.
“Do what?”
“Pretend.” She ran her fingers down my cheek and then tucked them into my hand. “You look frazzled. Or troubled.”
“It was a weird day at school. They voted me homecoming king.”
Her eyes lit up. “Oh, honey, I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re not thrilled?”
“You being thrilled makes me thrilled.”
“You’re the sweetest.” Mom hugged me, her body so perilously thin and frail in my arms, I feared I’d break her. “River, sweetheart, can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.”
“Are you happy?”
I scoffed lightly. “How could I be?”
“I don’t mean about me. I mean everywhere else in your life. Are you happy? It’s your senior year…”
“Yeah, it’s going great. All five days of it so far.”
“Smart-ass.”
“Better than being a dumbass.”
“True.” Mom’s smile softened. “I just worry sometimes. Your father is so earnest and single-minded when it comes to your future—a lifein the spotlight few people experience. But it doesn’t mean squat if it’s not what you want.”
“It’s not as simple as that. What I want…”
“Yes?” She leaned forward. “You can tell me anything. Especially now. Not to pull the cancer card, but…”
I snorted a laugh, but it faded quickly. “Dad and I have been working toward this for years. If I suddenly wanted something else, it’d break his heart.”
“Doyou want something else?”
I thought about how to answer and realized I had no idea how. What would I do if I didn’t play football? Would working at the shop be enough?
“I don’t know,” I said finally.
