I cleared my throat. “No, I’m…fine.”
“Oh good. I know it’s late, but it’s been too long since we spoke.”
“It’s been about a month. Not that I’m counting,” I added, forcing a smile over my words. “What are you up to? How’s Miller?”
“He’s great. Perfect, actually, now that he’s done with touring.”
“I’m happy for you, Vi.”
“Thanks, River.”
She quickly changed the subject, as if her happiness would chafe against my loneliness. She updated me on her medical school progress and how she and Miller were planning on moving back to California as soon as she graduated from Baylor.
“Having you here will not suck,” I said.
“I can’t wait. I miss it so much. So, what are you up to?”
“Guess,” I said bitterly.
“ReadingGods of Midnight.”
“You forgot to add,for the sixth time. Don’t sugarcoat my pathetic existence.”
“Stop. You’re not pathetic. First of all, the book is brilliant. I’ve read it twice myself. Second, it’s all him. As if he ripped himself open and laid it all out there.”
I closed my eyes. “I know.”
“You still haven’t heard from him?”
“No. So I did something stupid and went on a date.”
“You did?” Violet practically shrieked. “That’s great, not stupid at all. Why do you say that?”
“Because it was pointless. I wasted the guy’s time, and it felt like I was cheating on Holden.”
“River,” Violet said quietly. “It’s been three years since you’ve been with anyone. Two years since you’ve seen him. You’re allowed to live your life.”
“I know, but I told him I’d wait for him, no matter how long it takes. But Christ, sometimes I feel like I’m going to implode. Taking care of the family, the business…”
“Who’s taking care of you?” Violet asked gently.
“I’m fine—”
“Stop sayingfine. I can hear the hurt in your voice. Makes me want to jump on a plane tonight. How are you really?”
“Not great,” I admitted. “It’s why I went out, Vi. To make aconnection or…I don’t know what. But it was a mistake.”
“Was he an asshole?”
“Just the opposite. He was a good guy. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t anything.” I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. “Maybe I’m not gay after all. Maybe I only want Holden.”
“Or maybe you’re just in love with him.”
“Yeah, well… It’s looking pretty one-sided. At what point do I give up?”
“You don’t. When it’s real, you can’t give up. I’ve loved Miller since we were thirteen years old. Fate and circumstance tried to keep us apart, but it didn’t work. Nothing will. You and Holden will find each other again. I know it.”
“Thanks, Vi,” I said, genuinely grateful for her love and support, but her theory only worked if Holden felt the same way about me.
