“What they told us to do,” he said. His face was pale, a horrible, sad smile on his lips that were blue and trembling. “When you have unwanted thoughts and feelings, you go into the water.”
A strangled cry broke loose in my chest, and I pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around him. His arms hung by his sides, and he sagged against me. Tears burned hotly down my cheeks to the cold skin of his neck.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
Holden shook his head against my shoulder. “Nothing to be sorry for. It’s what I do. It’s all I know how to do.”
I pulled back and gripped him around the neck and jaw with both hands. “Listen to me. I’m going to tell them. My dad and…everyone. I’m not going to Alabama. I’m not going to play football.” I swallowed. “I’m not leaving you. I don’t want to leave you. I can’t.”
Holden’s face crumpled, and he shook his head. “No. Don’t say that. Please…don’t.”
“I’m saying it,” I said, shouting over the ocean to be heard. To make him hear me and believe. “I should have said it a long time ago.”
“River, you don’t want this. I’m a fucking mess. I—”
“Who isn’t? Some people just hide it better. I’ve been hiding my whole life.” I gripped him tighter, holding his face in my hands. “You’restrong. You survived something terrible, but you’re still here.” My voice cracked. “You’re fucking brave, Holden. You are yourself, always. I wish I were half as brave as you. But I’m going to try. Please let me try.”
Holden shook his head, his tears spilling over his cheeks and down to my fingers. “Don’t give everything up. Not for me.”
“I’m giving it up for me. I can’t live like this anymore. And I’m giving it up for you too.” I smiled through my tears. “You’re a pain in the ass, you know that? But it turns out I can’t fucking live without you.”
Holden stared. The hope struggling to take root in his eyes broke my heart. His hands came up, clutching my arms weakly, as if afraid to hold on too tightly.
“Is this real?” he asked.
I nodded, pressing my forehead to his. “It’s real,” I said, our lips brushing with each word. “Finally, I know what’s real.” I inhaled sharply against the swell of emotion rising in me. “I love you, Holden. That’s real. It’s the most fucking real thing I’ll ever know.”
Twenty-One
Holden
I love you, Holden…
River’s voice was flooded with emotion, his eyes full of me. He kissed me, his lips cold but his mouth warm. Another resuscitation after my own terrible baptism of shame. I clung to him, my own lips trembling against his.
“You’re freezing,” River said. “Let’s get you warm.”
He hooked his arm around me, and we staggered to the shore, my clothes sticking to my skin and wrapping me in the cold. River’s tux was ruined. Water dampened his pants to the waist, and his jacket was dusted with sand.
“I wrecked another dance,” I said as we trudged up the sand to where I’d dropped my coat.
“Maybe not.” His smile was sheepish, almost shy, as he took off his tux jacket and draped it over my shoulders. “Back at the club, I had this vision of you and I dancing together. It’s kind of dumb but…kind of not.”
My eyes fell shut as he wrapped my coat around me too, the enormity of this night chipping away at the cold, little by little.
“You wanted to dance with me? In front of the whole school?”
“I told you. I’m done hiding.” His shy grin came back. “And yeah, I wouldn’t mind dancing with you. I’d suck at it but… I still want to. But we have to warm you up.”
We made it to the parking lot where River reached into James’s sedan that I’d stolen. River shut off the lights, then killed the engine. “We’ll come back for it in the morning.”
“River, what about your dad?”
He straightened, his face grim.
“It’s a matter of a few weeks with Mom. Dad’s going to need me to be there more than he needs me to win football games. He just doesn’t know it yet, but I can see it. Amelia too. There’s no way I can be hundreds of miles from home when…”
He blinked hard and looked away. I didn’t know what to say, how to comfort him. I couldn’t grasp each monumental moment as they led like stepping stones to a future I’d never imagined for myself.
