Xander
I sagged against the wagon, the memory of Emery’s tears battering my heart.
Because you broke hers.
“Fuck.” I gave the hard wood a sharp jab with my elbow, but the pain wasn’t nearly enough.
“You want to talk?” Dean offered gently. “Before Tucker finds you and smashes your teeth in? Sorry. Bad joke.”
“It’d be no less than I deserve. But no, I’m good.”
“Love you, man,” Dean said, giving me a hug. “And whatever just happened with Emery, it’ll work itself out. The best things always do.”
He left, and I was alone. Distantly, the party was still going. Any second now, Tucker was going to show up with fists swinging. Because I’d held Emery in front of the whole school like she was mine. Like she was precious to me…
But no one came, so I left.
Harper and I had arrived at the festival separately; when I’d asked her to accompany me—as friends only—she’d given me a knowinglook. “As friends only,” she’d repeated. “Love triangles aren’t my thing.”
I found my bike, which I’d chained to a fence far from the entrance to Bennington Farm, and jumped on. I pedaled hard through the late fall chill that would only get colder as we headed into a snowy winter. The cold fell away as my blood heated at the sense memory of Emery’s body pressed to mine, how she felt in my arms, how perfect andrightit had been. And how fucking radiant she looked, baring her heart to me…
Even so, I’d lied to her. I’d lied when I said what happened when we were kids wasn’t one of the most impactful moments of my life. And then more lies of omission because I didn’t tell her that some part of merecognizedher, this beautiful girl who made me feel like I belonged somewhere in the world.
There was no logic behind such a feeling. Nothing to be gained but pain, so I held back. I kept my feelings locked away because I’d written them to her in letters, but the letters were lost, and I wasn’t willing to speak them aloud a second time and tell her…
That I’m in love with her.
My bike nearly careened off the road as the thought announced itself in my mind, body, and soul like a sonic boom. I pulled over and rested one foot on the ground.
“Fuck.”
My heart banged against my ribs, and my breath came short as I finally admitted what I knew seven years ago. The feelings I’d tried to kill during the years of silence came back with a vengeance the minute I’d laid eyes on Emery on the first day of school. My mother’s abandonment had taught my mind to keep itself protected, but apparently my stupid fucking heart had never learned the lesson.
But my father’s mind was deteriorating, and I wouldn’t abandon him or his reputation. I had to stay here and take care of them both, while Emery had to get to California. I couldn’t start something with her only to watch her leave and then suffer through years of long distance…of waiting for her to tell me she couldn’t do it anymore.
I got home and let my bike crash against the wall of the house. Inside, it was dark and quiet. I ran upstairs to my loft and straight to my desk. I grabbedMeditationsand opened it to the page where Emery’s daffodil lay pressed. A symbol of my hypocrisy. I’d told her it meant nothing and yet…
The delicate, papery flower trembled in my grasp. My fingers were ready to crush it and throw it away. To let her go…
…and then I laid it back between the pages and shut the book. I folded my arms on the desk and buried my face in them as the jangling sound of our old piano rose up from the first floor, discordant and loud.
“Xander, my boy!” my father called above the tumult. “Come down and play with your old man. Your mother wants to hear the Schubert!”
I squeezed my eyes shut in the blackness.
“Xander? Are you there?”
“I’m here, Dad,” I called back. “I’m right here.”
***
The morning of the Narragansett Bay Regatta dawned bleak and windy. Thick, gray nimbostratus clouds hung in the sky, promising rain. As I pulled up to the Academy marina in our Buick, I saw that the waters were churning and whitecapped.
“Should make for interesting races, eh?” Orion Mercer said, falling into step beside me in the student parking lot. “But hey, check out the crowd.” He jerked his chin to where the bleachers were full of spectators offsetting the gray sky with their colorful banners. A huge black and gold sign read LET’S GO LIONS!
Orion chucked me on the shoulder. “Let’s give ’em a bloody good show.”
I barely heard him. The Royal Pride dance team was set to be at the regatta to support our crew, which meant Emery would be watching. Pain squeezed my chest.
