“First and second seat on the shell, responsible for stability and…” He waved a hand. “We don’t have to talk about rowing.”
“I think it’s interesting,” I said. “You’re good at rowing, but you’re also good at math and physics and everything else.”
“I wouldn’t say everything else,” Xander said. “All of the social stuff still feels alien.”
“You’re doing all right.”
“Am I? There’s a common perception that people with extremely high IQs struggle with social connection.”
“But it’s not true?”
“No, it’s completely true.”
I laughed and nudged his arm. “Be serious.”
“It’s true in my case, anyway.” He turned his gaze to me. “But someone once told me I just needed to practice at a regular school.” He took a sip of beer. “What about you? How is your senior year going?”
I smiled dryly. “You mean aside from needing constant math tutoring so my dad doesn’t disown me? Great.”
“And if you pass calculus?”
“I’ll go to Brown. That will make him happy.”
Xander frowned. “What about what makesyouhappy? Imagine you’re on a precipice, looking out over your future. What do you see?”
I made a face. “You’re awfully philosophical for a scientist.”
“Physics is founded on philosophy. Before there were labs or telescopes or calculus classes, there were ideas.”
“Oh, that’s right. It’s one of yourthreedegrees,” I teased.
“Yes, but we’re talking about you, remember?” he said gently.
My smile faded. “There’s not much to say. When I look out over the precipice, so to speak, I just see the future my dad has planned forme. It’s like a cold, gray canyon filled with all the luxury and security I could possibly want, but I don’t see myself in it anywhere.” I gave Xander a look. “Didn’t we talk about this the other day?”
“Yes, but I wonder if…”
“What?”
“No, it’s too personal,” he said. “Or…rude. I don’t know how to be anything but blunt and direct.”
“Just the facts, eh? Go ahead. I can take it.”
Xander heaved a breath. “This is your life, Emery. I wonder if maybe you don’t know that it belongs to you and not to your father.”
A defensive retort came to my lips but then died. I turned and faced the ocean. “My entire life, I’ve been trained to know my place in the family and to do what’s expected of me. To go to the college Dad wants and date the boy he needs me to date… I mean, I go out with Tucker, and I don’t even question it. I just…obey,and at the same time, I’m desperate to make my dad proud and to hear, just once, that he loves me.” I glanced up. “That’s pretty pathetic, isn’t it?”
“It’s not pathetic. It’s all you’ve known,” he said. “And it’s daunting to break out of rigid family structures.”
“It’s downright terrifying,” I said. “If you met my dad, you’d see why.”
Xander grimaced, almost angry. “Maybe it would help to spend some time visualizing what you want instead.”
“Like, manifesting?” I grinned. “How unscientific of you.”
“More like counterprogramming,” he said. “Pretend for a minute that that future doesn’t exist and you get to make one yourself. What does it look like?”
I inhaled the cold salt air and closed my eyes. “I see myself far away from my house. Far from Rhode Island. At UCLA, like my teacher suggested. I see a sunny drafting room and me sketching and designing and making someone’s home beautiful. And not super-wealthy megahouses but cozy, safe spaces. Homes.”
