She tossed a lock of hair over her shoulder, but her eyes were still shiny, her jaw set against tears. “It’s fine. Whatever.”
“It’s not fine,” I said. “You’re right about everything. I wrote some things in those letters, and when I didn’t hear back…” I ran a hand through my hair. “I get in the habit of thinking I always have the right answers. I thought you were ignoring me, and that’s the story I told myself to the exclusion of all other possibilities. But I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about your brother, Emery.”
“Thank you,” she said. “I’m sorry too. And your dad? Is he…okay?”
“He’s okay. For now.” I managed a small smile. “He likes it here. That’s why we came back.”
She glanced up at me through lowered lids. “So, what…um, did you write in your letters?”
“Nothing,” I said quickly. “Nothing important. Kid stuff. I hardly remember.”
“Oh.” She looked away, then heaved a shaky sigh. “Well, I don’t know what happened to them, but I guess it’s good we cleared the air.”
“Agreed.”
“It’s kind of a silly thing to argue about, right?” Emery laughed nervously. “So manybig feelingsover nothing.”
“Nothing. Right.”
“I mean, why are we being so dramatic about something that happened when we were ten?”
“No clue.”
A small silence followed. Now that we were done turning a monumental and consequential incident into something trivial and childish, I supposed we could go back to being virtual strangers.
Emery looked to me uncertainly. “Will you still tutor me?”
I should’ve said no. My stupid heart wanted to go back to the beginning and pick up where we left off, but that was impossible, and that impossibility was going to be torture. But if I didn’t help Emery, her father was going to torture her in his own way, and that I could not stand.
“Of course, I will.”
Emery eased a sigh. Relieved but sad too.
“Thank you.” She glanced down at her work. “I can’t concentrate any more today. Save it for next time?”
“Next time,” I said and gathered my stuff, needing to get away too. To sort out this afternoon’s revelations that had rewritten the past seven years.
I was at the door of the study room when her soft voice stopped me. “Xander?”
“Yeah?”
She made to speak, then changed her mind. “Nothing.”
Chapter 6
Emery
I’ve missed you.
I nearly said it; it’d been on the tip of my tongue, but I locked it behind my teeth. What did it even mean, anyway? I had to constantly remind myself that Xander and I didn’t actuallyknoweach other. How could I miss what I never had?
I miss himbecauseI never had him. But I could have had him, all this time…
I’d started to gather my things, but my hands fell away from my bag, and I sank back into the chair. Xander said he’d written to me, and I could feel it in my bones he’d been telling the truth. And that changed everything. My heart had been broken, and now it broke again, imagining him as a little boy, writing to me over and over and never hearing anything back. Now that we’d let all that defensive anger out, I could just be sad. Sad that we’d both wanted to stay in touch, but something had gotten in the way.
He’s right. It has to be my dad.
But what I’d said had been true too: My father never resorted tosecrecy or mystery. If he didn’t want something to happen, it didn’t happen, and he made damn sure everyone knew why.
