“Was she tripping this morning?” Myles asks.
“No.”
“Then, maybe she is,” Myles says.
“But what if she’s not?” I ask, fighting the panic again.
“I know you haven’t been with this girl long, but it’s obvious you two have something pretty special. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if she got pregnant,” Cooper says.
My eyes widen as I stare at him in shock that he just said that. He was there. He was the one who helped me through the call that changed my life forever.
I shake my head. “No. I can’t have kids.”
He places his elbows on the counter to lean down until he’s eye level with me. “Fed, this job can harden you, no doubt. But you can’t let it change who you are and what you want from your life.”
“Oh, yes, it can. You were there. I still live with that mom’s screams in my head on a daily basis.”
Memories of taking the small child who was dripping wet in my arms and doing CPR flash through my mind.
I shake my head even more. “What if I can’t save my own child? What if I’m here and something happens to them? No.” I shake my head even more. “I can’t. I won’t.”
Myles, who doesn’t want kids either but for a very different reason, places his mug down and levels with me. “Bro, you have some shit you need to work through. Not wanting kids is one thing. Not wanting them because you’re terrified you can’t save them is something completely different.”
I stare at my coffee, not sure if I can physically take a sip due to how upset my stomach is.
“Hey,” Cooper says, trying to get my attention. “The city offers counseling, something to help guys like us to work through the shit we see. I think you need to go talk to someone.”
I close my eyes, inhaling, then nod my head. He’s right. Whatever is going on in my head is obviously something I’m not dealing with as well as I thought I was.
The tones sound above us, and I stand in a rush. The only thing that is going to get me through the day is pushing that shit down some more and focusing on the task at hand. It’s the life I live, and it’s worked just fine until today.
22
Kara
I’m notsure what happened yesterday with Silas, but it was obvious he was battling with something in his head. When I entered the shower, I wanted much more than just showering, but when I saw something wasn’t right, plans changed quick. I’m glad I was able to help him. I just hope he’ll open up to me one day when he’s more comfortable to do so.
I can only imagine what he goes through at work. Witnessing the tragedy he sees must be a lot to take on for one person.
I never heard from him during his shift, so I’m surprised to get his call in the morning as he’s walking out of the station.
“Morning, Angel,” he says in the sweetest voice.
“Morning. How was your night?”
“Quiet actually, which was nice. I was able to get some sleep. What are you up to?”
“Not much until I pick up the girls at three.”
“Good. Come over and be lazy with me.”
A grin covers my face. “Sounds like the perfect way to spend the day. Be right there.”
We hang up, and as I grab my things, all I can think about is how he looked in that shower. I caught him in a very vulnerable moment, and the true Silas couldn’t hide from his emotions like he normally does.
I want him to know he can open up to me, but I also want him to know it’s important he works through whatever is going on in his head and not keep it bottled up. I know music is what always saves me, so an idea comes to mind, and I head to his house with a plan.
He’s already at the front door, waiting for me, when I pull up.
