“This is amazing,” she says as she licks chocolate off her fingers.
When I see a tiny bit of chocolate on her mouth, I lean in to kiss it off, holding it there to enjoy her for a brief moment.
The slight breeze mixed with the crackle of the fire and Sarah in my arms warms my body in a peace I haven’t felt in a while. Being on the road is hard, especially since I’m away from Cailin. I’ve never felt more at home than I do now.
I inhale a deep breath and begin, “Did Linda ever tell you how I know her?”
She takes another bite before she shakes her head. Covering her mouth, she says, “She just said she’s a family friend.”
I take my own bite of the s’more and love it when Sarah wipes a little bit from my mouth with her finger before sticking it in her mouth with a grin covering her beautiful face.
“I wouldn’t say she was a family friend. You’d have to have a family to be considered that.”
She stops mid-chew as she takes in what I just said.
I glance to the fire before continuing to say things I’ve never really said out loud, “Have you ever heard of CASA?”
“Isn’t thathousein Spanish?”
I can’t help but chuckle at her confused expression. “Yes, but it’s also an acronym. It means Court Appointed Special Advocate.”
She covers her mouth to hide the next bite she took while she says, “Court Appointed? Why?”
“When you’re in the foster system, they assign you a CASA, and Linda was mine.”
My eyes meet hers, and I feel the pain radiating back at me.
“You were in the foster system? For how long?”
I inhale a deep breath before taking a trip down memory lane.
“One night, I walked out of my room in search of food. I just remember being really hungry. It was getting dark, and I’d only had crackers to eat. My mom was either passed out, on drugs, or coming down and itching for her next fix every moment of the day, so I never knew what I was going to get and tried to hide in my room most days. When she saw me, she asked me to curl up with her, so I guessed she was flying high.”
I shake my head, letting out a sad chuckle. “Sad to think that the only time she wanted me near her was when she was on drugs.”
Sarah reaches her hand out to me, and I willingly take it as I spill my innermost demons.
“At eight years old, I shouldn’t have known any of that, but when you’re pushed into that world at a young age, you learn about a lot of things, survival being one of them. I knew when to talk to my mom and when to hide under my bed, praying she and whatever guy she had around forgot I existed.”
Her eyes boring into me get to be too much, so I lean back, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her back into my side.
“The house was freezing, so I had a blanket wrapped around me, and I crawled up on the couch with her. She squeezed me tightly, and silly me took it in like the air I breathed. I remember being so desperate for her affection.”
Sarah hugs my arm against her body, intertwining our fingers. It’s the exact interaction I need to continue.
“I asked her for food, and when her lips pursed together, I knew my answer.”
Sarah turns to meet my eyes, waiting for what I meant.
“She’d already eaten and spent the rest on whatever she was on.” We stare into each other’s eyes for a moment before I turn back to the fire.
“She tried to play it off, asking if there was anything in the fridge but she already knew the answer, or maybe she was too gone to remember. The fridge had stopped working a few weeks earlier, and I’d finally thrown everything out due to the smell. When you’re hungry, the awful smell only makes your stomach turn even more.”
Sarah flinches under me, and when I try to move to give her space, she holds me tighter, making sure I don’t go anywhere.
I think back to those days and how miserable I was. I can’t imagine Cailin ever having to live through that. No kid should.
I close my eyes, inhaling deeply before I continue, “I hadn’t had a real meal since school went on winter break. While at school, I at least got breakfast and lunch. I should have been smart and saved my chips and fruit then, knowing I wouldn’t have anything during the break, but I wasn’t thinking.”
