“Hey, Sarah. Want to get Emma for me, so I can run to the bathroom real quick?” Emily says as I approach.
She must not have seen them because that would have been the first thing out of her mouth.
“Sure,” I reply and head toward my niece, cleaning her off before I go back inside before the service begins.
When I enter, I get a better feeling for who’s churning the gossip mill and can tell it’s staying to just a small group. I sit a little taller in front of them, hoping if they see I’m not affected by their antics, they’ll drop it altogether.
As I sit in the pews at church, another uneasy feeling washes over me. I’m set to sing in just a few minutes, and knowing I lied to them about not singing today isn’t sitting well with me.
When my time comes, I change the song last minute, going for a shorter ballad so I can get it over with. Once I finish, I’m quick to sit down and remind myself that lying to them is worth it and a good thing.
At least for now.
Once I get home, I change and try to rid the feelings running through me.
I FaceTime Maggie for moral support. “I’m such a shit,” I say when she answers.
“Oh jeez, what now?” she responds, rolling her eyes and then grinning.
I plop down on my couch and sigh. “I lied to Adam and Cailin, saying I wasn’t singing at church today.”
“Um, don’t you sing every Sunday?”
“Yes, and Adam wanted to come watch me and maybe see Cailin sing again.”
The hard laugh that escapes her lips makes me drop my head back in frustration. “Yeah, that won’t work.”
She came to my hometown once. That was all it took. She had planned on attending church with me but backed out last minute. Growing up in New York, she had seen all walks of life. That is, all walks, except those of a small country town and an old-school church.
Knowing she wouldn’t fit in with her short skirts and even shorter hair, she gracefully bowed out and drove to San Francisco for the day where she felt she could be more herself. I didn’t blame her. I love the message and the feelings I get when I’m here. I just wish all the guilt and judgment didn’t go along with it.
“That’s why I lied.” I sigh, staring into the phone and giving her myduhexpression. “But you know that shit nags on me.”
“Yes, your soul is just too pure.” She places her hand over her chest, giving me a peaceful tilt to her head and smile.
“I’m serious!”
“Girl, I know you are but stop it. You lied because you had to. Get over it. Now, tell me when you’ll see him again.”
“I’m supposed to go over there in a little while.” I bite my lower lip.
“Did you seriously just say that like you’re dreading it? What’s wrong with you?”
“You’re right.”
“Damn straight I’m right. Now, go for a run or shower, get rid of that angst you have going on, and go get you some Adam Jacobson.”
I grin as I drop my head to my chest. “Yes, Mom.”
“And call me to tell me all about it when you get home, but I have to run now, so peace out.”
This is why I called her. She always reminds me of the person I want to be, not the person I turned out to be.
I take her up on the run idea and quickly change, grabbing my headphones before I head out. Of course, the first song that comes on my playlist just happens to be a Devil’s Breed song.
As I run, I listen to Adam’s voice and his lyrics as they touch me deeper than ever before. Knowing him now brings many more questions about the words he chose in these songs.
The man I met has shown nothing but love and happiness for his daughter, yet his songs are full of pain and anguish.
