Mia laughs and squeals at her mom’s attention, and I wrap my arms around them both, holding my family in the backyard of our future home for the firsttime.
31
Dear Mia,
I’m at peace.I’ve been through every emotion possible, and I’ve come down to this conclusion. I’ve completed everything on my list and then some, you being the biggest part. I wish I could be here longer, but it’s time. I’m happy with the life I led and the love I’ve given and received. As this will probably be my last entry, I wanted to say goodbye. Thank you for making me so happy these last few months. You made my lifecomplete.
Yours Forever,
Mom
Mackenzie
My headaches are getting worse,and the doctors have advised me to take a steroid for the pain. The medication will make my body swell, and I won’t look thesame.
Connor and I had a long talk about it, because I didn’t want it at first, but when the seizures became more common and the pain more unbearable, I finally broke down. This will give me the ability to still live my life for these last few weeks to months, if I'mlucky.
I told Connor I wanted to take a nap, but really I wanted some alone time, so I could make a video for my beautiful Mia while I still look like myself. I know she won’t remember our time together, but I'm hoping these videos help her remember who Iam.
It takes me ten tries, as I kept tearing up and having to start over, but I think I finally say what I wantto:
Baby girl.My beautiful Mia. My M&M. You have been the most promising, amazing thing to ever happen to me. Your smile has gotten me through tough moments. Even though I won’t be here with you, please know that I’ll be your guardian angel, by your side every day, getting you through the toughtimes.
Talk to me. I’ll always listen. You’re my shining light, and I will forever beyours.
Take care of your father. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Give him hell, keep him on his toes, and love him unconditionally, the way he loved me. At times you won’t think he’s being fair, especially when it comes to boys, but know that it comes out of love. Just make sure Auntie Tracy is on your side. When you’re old enough, she can share some stories of the things he used to do to her boyfriends, so know you’re notalone.
There is a box full of things I want to give you when you reach all your milestones in life. There is a scrapbook to hold all your awards and certificates in school, along with any important tests or art pieces you create. When you turn sixteen and get your license, there is an angel to hang from your mirror, so you know I’ll always be there to keep you safe. The lei is made of money; that’s for your graduation. I know it’s silly but I figured that would last longer than any flowerswould.
And lastly, I’m giving you everything I kept from our wedding and your baby shower. I hope that when you find that special someone, you can find your something old, something blue and something borrowed righthere.
Most of all, I want to thank you for saving my life, for giving me hope when I thought there was none, and for simply beingyou.
I will love you forever. Till we meetagain.
Iblowa kiss into the camera and press the stop button. I hope the video brings her peace and happiness in dark times, and I can help her heal the way she has healedme.
It takes me a few more minutes to compose myself again so I can make one more video. Every night I’ve sungGoodnight Sweetheartto her so I film myself singing it to carry on our tradition after I’m gone. The song warms my heart and brings my spirits up again. When I’m finished, I head to the living room of our cute little house to be with my family for every moment Ican.
After we put Mia to bed, I curl up on the couch with Connor; ready to tell him it’s time. “I’m going to take the medication,” I say, leaning back against him and holding hishand.
I feel his lips touch the top of my head. “Are yousure?”
I nod. “It’s time. My symptoms are getting worse, and I want to make this as simple and painless aspossible.”
“Mackenzie,” he saysbreathlessly.
“Don’t,” I respond, blinking away tears. “We aren’t there yet. Can we just pretend one morenight?”
He gets off the couch. I look at him in question, and he holds out his hand, urging me to followhim.
“Where are we going?” Iask.
He turns to me, pulling me into him and placing his forehead to mine. “Let me be your fantasy one moretime.”
“Connor,” I whisperbreathlessly.
He carries me to our bedroom. My arms curl around his shoulders, and I nuzzle into his neck, inhaling the intoxicating scent that isConnor.
