16
Dear Diary,
Life cannot get better,and guess what? My last test came back, and this treatment actually seems to be working. No new growth and still no symptoms, which is fabulous news! Maybe all I needed was Connor’s love to cure me. A girl can wish,right?
Mackenzie
Mackenzie
I've hadthe best month of my life. Every day has been spent either texting, meeting for a quick lunch, or spending the night wrapped in Connor’s arms. There’s never an awkward pause, and when we're not in the mood to talk, we're happy to enjoy the silence with him working and mereading.
I'm preparing dinner at his place when my phone rings. It’s the treatment center. I moved my treatments so I could have lunch with Connor every day. They said it was a stretch for them to fit me in, but I thought it was working for them so I'm really hoping they're not calling to switch meback.
"Hi,Mackenzie?"
"Hey, Rachel. What's going on?" She’s the head nurse I've gotten to know verywell.
Every nurse and doctor within the study is super nice, but Rachel and I seemed to click the most. When I go in, she sits with me, talking about everything under the sun. She keeps me company so sitting as still as possible doesn't drive me absolutelyinsane.
She sighs, and the sound turns my stomach instantly. "Do you have asecond?"
I turn off the stove and sit on a stool at the breakfast bar. "Everything okay?" I ask, getting straight to thepoint.
"It breaks my heart to tell you this but no, everything isn'tokay."
"Why? What happened?" My nerves start the get the best of me, and my heart races faster with every second she doesn't respond. "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but the FDA has started asking a lot of questions and putting up red flags that they weren't going to approve our study, so our partners yanked thefunding."
My heart stops beating, and I can’t breathe. Thoughts rush through my head, all leading to one thing: this can’t behappening.
"Oh no. But. I mean, um, what does this mean for me? Do I get to finish? We just barely started," I whisper, trying to hold backtears.
The treatments were supposed to happen over an eight-month span, and I'm hardly finished with my secondmonth.
"All our material and research belongs to our funding partner, so when they pulled the plug, they took it. That way, if they ever get the FDA issues cleared up, they would be able to pick up where we leftoff."
"But what does this mean for me?" Iask.
"I wish I had better news. Your best treatment option now is radiation and chemo," she states with obvious pain. "I'm so sorry, Kenzie. I was really hoping you would be our first case to beat this nastytumor."
My lip trembles. Things were going sowell.
My life? Connor? My hands shake, and I think I’m going to throwup.
"Marcus is calling everyone else, but I wanted to be the one to tell you. I mean it, Kenzie. You were going to be my reason to open that bottle of champagne I've been saving to celebrate this study when we kicked your cancer’sass."
I let out a tinylaugh.
"You'll keep in touch,right?"
"Yeah," I say, choking ontears.
"Well. I'll let you go. I'm reallysorry."
"I know," I whisper. "Bye,Rachel."
I hang up and sob. I haven’t had any symptoms, so I assumed things were going well. I started to believe I was going to be okay. I thought I would becured.
That feeling of security justdisappeared.
