"He's not?" Robin asks indisbelief.
"I promise you he's not. Why did you think he was?" I ask, still trying to calm mylaughter.
"Because he's never hit on any of us, and we've never seen a girl at his place, so they think he's gay. I didn't believe it. I swear I saw him checking me out one day, but they said it was my imagination," Katysays.
"He told us you're like a sister to him. Are you sure he's not just keeping a secret from his family? You're best friends with his little sister, right?" Chantel asks, reaching for anything that will make her win theirbet.
"Believe me, I know he's notgay."
"Ah! She's fucked him!" Katy yells, reaching over to high-fiveme.
I do, then cover my face to hide the blush I'm sure is creepingup.
"Aw, man." The other two throw up their hands indefeat.
"Ha, ha, I was right. Give me twenty bucks!" Katy celebrates as each one reaches in her purse to hand her themoney.
"Please tell me you're still doing him? God, he's hot in the spiciest way," Chantel states, plopping back down on the couch,sulking.
"We'll see. It was only supposed to be the one time—well, two-time—thing, but heismoving me into his building. That's a good sign, right?" I’m excited to finally able to talk out loud about Connor andme.
"Girrrll, hell yeah, it is. If a guy didn’t want to do you again, he would not be trying to find you a place to live anywhere near him. And listen to me, he laid it on thick with reasons why you were perfect to livehere."
My smile feels like it's so big, it will burst right off my face. Yet another entry for my journaltonight.
I spend the next few hours getting to know my new roommates and discussing the details of our rent and when I will move in. Guilt runs through me as I learn little things about each one of them but purposefully not tell them everything aboutme.
Chantel is from San Diego. She’s already graduated and found a job as an entry-level accountant at some big firm. Robin is the oldest and is a tech assistant for a promising startup company while Katy is still in school, studying to be a physicaltherapist.
“What about you?” Katy asks. “Connor said you’re taking some time off of school. What brings you to SanFrancisco?”
I’ve told this lie before but to people who wouldn’t know the difference. I want them to like me, to trust me, but I’m starting off our relationship with a lie. I contemplate spilling my guts but cut off the thought quickly, remembering why I want to keep it a secret and hoping our carefree meeting stays that way, at least fornow.
I sigh, acting like life is too hard to handle. Ha! I wish I could go back to worrying about finals and the paper I have to write instead of the more serious things running through myhead.
“I just needed a break, you know?” They nod in acknowledgment. “School was getting to be too much, and with only one year left, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be out in the real world. So I decided to take a year off, live somewhere fun before entering theworkforce.”
My gut churns when I say that last part. I keep thinking things will get easier, but they don’t. Lying about my life isn’t helpingeither.
6
Dear Diary,
Ifeellike I'm in a dream. I’m trying hard to pretend it’s my reality, but that isn’t going to fix everything, no matter how much I wish it would. A few nights ago, Connor gave me the absolute best night of my life and now he’s helping me move into his apartment building. How did I get here? Why are my dreams coming true when everything else is falling apart? I know it’s not the best thing to do, but I don’t want to dwell on what’s going on. I will live the life I want to live, explore the feelings I want to explore, and be as happy as possible. Wish meluck!
Mackenzie
Mackenzie
I’m pullingup to my place in the U-Haul when I get a text from Connor. He's checked in every day, making sure everything is lined up for the move. It's silly how he's not texting to chat but rather to shareinformation.
The first day he texted the bus lines and BART routes. The second day he texted his favorite places to eat. The third was to let me know who he considered the only acceptable Uber drivers in the city. Last night, he wondered if I needed help today. I told him I didn't have much, and my parents were helping me, so he said he'd come down to help my fatherunload.
When I showed the girls his messages, they all squealed like we tended to do at age thirteen when we were excited over a boy. Funny how some things neverchange.
Within seconds, Connor is at the door after I text him that we arrived. The lost puppy look I see in his eyes melts my heart. He seems nervous, out of place, as he waits to be invited in, even though the door is wideopen.
Katy leans over to whisper in my ear, "I already love you living here, even if I just get to stare at your mancandy."
