The contractions are coming fast, and relief floods through me when Preston walks through the door. I try to back out of the room, but the contractions are coming fast, and the nurse stops me, saying, “Grab a leg, honey. She’s ready to push.”
I’m stuck here, struggling with the choice of being a good friend or protecting my own heart.
Closing my eyes, I force all my pain down. That deep ache I feel pinching low in my chest on a daily basis tries to explode like a volcano. I knew it would someday.
I’ve kept it there for so long, and I try even harder to channel all that pain into as much support as I can give to my friend.
It only takes fifteen minutes, and Kamii’s beautiful baby girl is born, making my tears fall even faster. When they place the little angel on her body, my knees weaken, and I have to grip the bed before I fall over.
The tiny baby’s skin is red, and she has a big, beautiful cry. The sound is like a siren to my dreams and a memory I’ll never forget. I can’t hold the pain back anymore.
The look on Kamii’s face as she glances down at her miracle and then up at Preston just about does me in.
The sight of the tattoo on my wrist makes my heart ache even more. Normally I have it covered by either a bracelet or a watch, but it got in the way of holding her leg, so I removed it and put it in my pocket.
This is all too much.
I kiss Kamii on the head, congratulate Preston, and leave the room before I’m pushed over an edge I can’t come back from.
* * *
When my phonerings the next day showing Kamii calling, guilt runs through my chest and bubbles in my stomach. I know I shouldn’t have left when I did, but I had to. I just hope one day she understands.
Now my hand hovers over the decline button for the second time today, but my heart can’t do it, so I take a deep breath and bring my phone up to my ear. “How’s my newest mommy friend doing?” I ask as my voice is a dead giveaway.
She recognizes it, and I hear her sigh into the phone. “Spill it, girl. Why’d you bail yesterday?”
I close my eyes, fighting the burn I know is coming behind my lids, thankful she can’t see me.
“Kamii, come on. Tell me about little Becca.”
I can almost hear her smile, but she doesn’t let me off that easily. “Don’t dodge the subject, but she’s amazing. So tiny. So perfect.”
“Is she nursing?”
“Yes, but answer my question.”
I pause, biting my lower lip to stop the trembling that I’m sure will form soon. “Kamii, can we just pretend I didn’t and move on?”
She sighs. “Fine, as long as you get your butt down here.”
I inhale a deep breath, filling my lungs, waiting for the sting I thought would come at the thought, but it never does.
Maybe I can finally do this, and everything is just in my head.
“Okay, you got a deal. I’ll be there shortly.”
We hang up, and I lay on my bed, twirling my hair in my fingers as my head plays tricks on my heart. I’ve been able to avoid anything like this for years, but that wasn’t by coincidence.
I have friends here in San Francisco, but I’ve been careful not to take those friendships to the next level. All of them are single, and we like to go dancing, drinking, and pick up new guys.
Whenever a friend got serious with a guy or even got pregnant, I’d slowly fade away from their life and meet new friends at a bar or club. I don’t do it to be a bitch; I do it to protect my heart.
Yes, it can be lonely sometimes, but it’s also uncomplicated. And hey, it keeps my world drama free. It can be nice—I always have something new to look forward to.
The longer I lie here, the more I can feel my heart growing and actually being okay with this, even slightly excited to see my friend’s new baby.
When I arrive at the hospital, I look around, stalling briefly to make sure the fear I was scared of overtaking me doesn’t come on by surprise. Relief fills me when none forms.
I honestly think I can do this.
With a renewed purpose, I take a deep breath as I walk down the hall and into Kamii’s room. The vision of her sitting with her baby, wrapped in her arms as she plays with her little finger fills me with hope, not fear.
Tears slipping from my eyes are a welcome feeling of happiness as I walk over to see my friend’s newest miracle.
