I just want her.
I try to replace the wig with her white-people-apple-picking scarf, but she takes it from me and wraps it around her neck, leaving her head uncovered.
Her cheeks redden. She’s not comfortable without something covering her hair. I know now that her hair just didn’t come back after the chemo the way it used to be and any treatment she might be able to take for it won’t start until after Donovan’s been weaned. It’s another sacrifice she’s making for him.
And I know that she’s making a sacrifice for me now because she saw my hesitation.
I wrap my hand around the back of her head, gripping just enough that I can tilt her up to kiss her gently, to reassure her. To thank her for everything she’s given me.
To apologize because I’m about to drop so more shit on her she’s not going to like.
The picnic is a hodgepodge of food from the local restaurants around the square. Too much of it, but that’s expected when it’s coming from Gabe and Joss, neither of whom can cook but really love to eat. There’s some subs, sushi, empanadas, crab rangoons, naan, cupcakes. A bottle of champagne, which has Tilly laughing. “What do they think we’re celebrating tonight?”
My instinct is to crack a joke about how it’s going to be a great excuse to get me in bed later, since she won’t be able to nurse Donovan and yeah, I enjoy sucking her tits, it’s cool.
But then the band of the ring she’s still wearing from the photoshoot, the one that’s supposed to be her wedding ring from our fictitious marriage, clinks against the glass bottle.
My next instinct is to make a joke about how we got married today and use it to ease my way into a conversation about what else has been decided for us. But no, I can’t make this a laughing matter. I can’t do that to her.
I take her hand and pinch the band of the ring between my fingers, nudging it just to her knuckle, just to have some control over it. “I picked this out,” I tell her.
“Oh, did you?” she says, her voice in jest but the twitch in her brow belying her confusion. “I guess you had a busy day today, huh?”
“Not today. I picked it out a couple weeks ago. I didn’t buy it, though.”
That has her taking another look at it. It’s not fancy. It doesn’t even have any gems in it. I didn’t have the money to buy it when I picked it out, and then after I got home, I started to second-guess myself. I wondered if I actually knew Tilly and this was a good choice, or if she was going to look at the woven strands of tri-colored gold and think I was being cheap because I couldn’t afford a great big diamond like so many of the WAGs have.
Tilly’s not like that, I don’t think, but then, we’re all like that sometimes. Now that I’m pushing her to show me who she is, I don’t know what I’ll get from her. I’m just excited to get it.
“So you stole it? It was a jewelry heist?”
The quirk to her lips gives me some room to breathe. I’m nervous. Every guy in this situation is nervous, but I think the ultimatum is unique to me. Now I want to joke, only to blurt out, “Tamara Godwell paid for it. It’s a gift.”
“Oh. Um. That was nice of her.” She doesn’t look at me as she speaks. Her eyes are locked on that ring. She twists her wrist as though to see the ring from different angles, but I’m still holding it, so it doesn’t shift.
I don’t know if I should take it off or push it back up.
I’m messing this up.
I have to hold this here. I don’t know what else to do.
And now I’m going to ruin it. I’m going to ruin this thing that I had a whole different plan for, but it was never going to be right because whether it was now or a month from now ora year from now, it was always going to be shaded by some ulterior motive. But at least if I had been able to wait, I could have made it as perfect as possible.
Instead, it’s this.
It’s me announcing, “Because we have to get married.”
“Haveto?”
Damn.
Fuck and damn.
“Th-the photoshoot. We have to get married. If we don’t get married, the press will figure out that it was all a sham, and then if the video leaks, public opinion will destroy us.”
I watch Tilly sink in front of me. I feel her hand curl in mine, shrinking back, taking the ring with it, but I know better than to read into that. Both hands go to the scarf. I don’t even think she realizes she’s nudging it up over her hair.
I’m ruining everything.
