Sasha lingers. “I’ll need Hope’s schedule and yours so that I can make sure she’s covered.”
“You’re taking this very seriously.” For the scary kid, that’s only semi-concerning.
“Hope is my best friend. I would do anything to ensure her safety.”
That right there should settle my soul, but it doesn’t. Kamenevs are intense, but this feels too intense for children their age.
Friend Zone
Fiona
“That sounds like a hard couple of days.” My therapist puts down her notebook.
Hard? The last two days stunk.
“Let’s talk about why none of the tools we set up stopped you from harming yourself.”
That’s the part I was afraid of. “It really wasn’t that bad.” If one of my kids said that, I would give them a frowny face, just like my therapist is doing right now.
“You screamed loud enough to draw six men with guns to protect you because a man touching you hurt so bad, but you don’t consider scrubbing your skin raw, self-harming.”
“It wasn’t as bad as normal. That has to count for something.” What a feeble excuse.
“Fiona.” She tips her head to the side and stares at me.
“Fine, it was self-harming. And I knew it and didn’t care. I didn’t want anyone to stop me, so I ignored the safeguards we put in place. All I wanted was to feel clean. I wanted to feel clean.”
“Thank you for being honest with yourself and with me.” She reaches out and takes my hand. “And after you hurt yourself, did you feel clean?”
She asks me this question every time. The answer never changes. “No.”
“That’s because you aren’t dirty. What they do, what they say, has nothing to do with you.”
“I know that.” I really do. “But sometimes I can’t control it.”
“Let’s figure out a few more ways we can take control back…”
***
This session was completely exhausting. All I want to do is curl up on the couch with a cup of cocoa and vegetate.
“We have just one more thing to talk about.”
I groan. “What?”
“The man who almost took a bullet or six for you.”
Uh oh. “It wasn’t that close.”
There goes the eyebrow raise.
“Fine, it was in the realm of possibility, but highly unlikely. The most they would have done was give him a good thrashing.”
My therapist chuckles.
“Max wouldn’t have just taken it. He’s huge…and strong.” And beautiful. “He’s not just a big man. He’s all muscle and smart enough to talk his way out of it.”
“Interesting.”
