I run back into her bedroom, bursting in as she steps out of the bathroom dressed in a fluffy robe. The sight in front of me is breathtaking. “Hi.”
That didn’t sound at all stupid.
“You don’t have to worry about me. I’m alright.”
People who are alright don’t hurt themselves. “It’s time for that talk.” I walk over, scoop her up into my arms, and settle us into the oversized chair I got just for this reason. Once we’re settled and I reassure myself she’s alive and safe, I ask, “How are you feeling?”
“You want to know everything.” She sighs.
Oh yes. “Only if you're comfortable sharing it with me. We can call a doctor if you want to talk to a professional instead.” And then I’ll hack into the doctor’s computer and find out what I need to know to protect you.
“It isn’t that big of a deal.”
“Fea.”
“Fine. It’s bad. And lately it’s been worse because of our relationship.”
WHAT? I keep the shout in my head and try to breathe through it.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Her hand touches my face, and I open my eyes.
“Why is our relationship making it worse?” We need to figure this out, because breaking up isn’t an option. I can’t live without her in my life.
“Because I’m dirty.”
“Huh? You always smell good.” She showers regularly. You can tell when a woman showers, especially Fea, because she uses different scents for her bodywash. My favorite is still citrus and vanilla.
“Not like that. Don’t be silly.”
“Tesoro mio, there’s only one way to be dirty.”
“Soiled. I’m afraid that one day you’ll look at me and realize that I was a prostitute and not want me anymore. Thatall those men touching me made me dirty. Sometimes I can feel their hands on my skin, and all I want to do is scrub their touch off. To get them off my skin. So I scrub, and I scrub until the feeling goes away…”
“You scrub until you bleed?”
She nods, tucking her head under my chin.
“Tesoro mio. My treasure, you aren’t dirty. Nothing those men could do would ever taint your beautiful heart. They’re the monsters.” And I want to hunt each one of them down and rip out their hearts.
“In my head I know that…but my mind keeps telling me other things. Then when your whole family saw me dressed like that today…”
Me wrapping the blanket around her was the trigger…she thought I was hiding what she was wearing. “Fiona, you’re going to need to learn a few things about me. I try to be civilized, thoughtful, and respectful. But most times that’s a veneer. I’m a jealous man. So jealous. I want to keep all of you for myself. To protect you from everything. To hide you away. Not because you're dirty, but because you’re mine. All of you is mine. And I hate men looking at you, even men that aren’t looking at you sexually.”
“Jealousy isn’t healthy.”
“I don’t care. You’re mine. Since the day you told me you loved me. I love every inch of your body, mind, and heart…especially your heart. Though I will say I don’t mind your body either. And if you wanted to give me a child or six and change its shape, I would love it even more. But that’s a discussion for another time. But think about it.”
“Max.”
“I didn’t say make a decision. I said think about it. And what I need to do is think about ways to make you feel safe,secure, and loved, but also protect you from your own impulses. I have an idea.”
