Nox
There was a tap at the door separating mine and Devora’s rooms as I buttoned the cuff of my sleeve. I crossed the space in three strides and opened the door to find Devora standing in her dress for the wedding, a deep turquoise velvet number.
My mouth fell open as my gaze swept down her form. The long sleeves and bodice clung perfectly to her curves, with gold accents etched into the fabric. The turquoise skirt fell behind her, little gold sequins dotting the length of it and catching the light.
“Tie me up?” she asked.
“I mean?—”
She turned so her back faced me. “Thedress.” With a little chuckle, she carefully moved her hair over one shoulder, exposing the criss-crossing pattern of ribbon over smooth skin that ended in two strands down her back.
“You,” I stalked toward her and reached for the ribbon, “are trying to kill me.” I brought my lips to the curve of her neck and placed a gentle kiss.
“Does it feel wrong?” she asked, her voice a little breathless. “After everything we’ve been through, after all the people waiting for us…is this wrong? Being happy?”
My brow furrowed. I finished tying the ribbons and snaked my hands around her stomach, pulling her closer. Truth be told, I had the same thoughts. It was difficult not to feel guilty when so many suffered, and here we were, living out some sort of perfect dream in this pocket of the world.
I kissed her temple. “I feel the same way. But that doesn’t mean we don’t care about the others. It doesn’t mean we still won’t do everything in our power to help them.” I spun her around, and those big, guarded eyes peered up at me. “I don’t know what this is between us, but Idoknow it’s the happiest I’ve been in longer than I can remember.”
I brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m selfish when it comes to you, Devora. I’ve never been able to stay away. I don’t know what the future will be, but I want to take any scrap of joy I can from the life that’s stolen so much from me.”
She nodded. “You deserve that.” Her arms wound around my neck, and I closed my eyes when she scratched her nails at the base of my skull. “Happiness.”
“I don’t know about that, darling.” The words slipped out unbidden, my guard coming down with her nails at my neck and her body so close to mine. I didn’t talk about these things with anyone besides Tessa and Kieran. I didn’t let anyone see the shame and insecurities resting beneath my skin.
“Why would you think that?” She moved a hand to cup my cheek.
I sighed. “You don’t know all the things I’ve done, Devora.”
“You mean, all the thingsScarvenhas made you do. He may order you to do terrible things to people, but you told me how you get them out.” Her voice was so tender, a tone I’d only heard her use with the children at the Keep. “Yousavethem, Nox. You take awful situations and make the most of them.”
“Not always,” I gritted out. Her hands suddenly felt too soft, too pure, toogoodto be touching me. I wrapped my fingers around her wrists and moved them down, then took a step back.
“I’ve killed people,” I said hoarsely, turning away from her. Thesounds of their screams still echoed in my head. “I didn’t want to, but I’ve done it. I’ve tortured them. I may as well have put them in his cells. You were right about me all those weeks ago. I wanted you to think I was better than that, that I was some vigilante or harbinger of justice, but that hasn’t always been true.” My throat burned with the effort of keeping my emotions from clawing up my throat.
“I once told youhewas the monster,” I said slowly. “But sometimes I think I am too.”
There was a moment of silence, and I refused to look at her. Refused to see the disgust on her face—or worse, the realization that she’d been right all along. From the day she spied on me and accused me of hurting our people.
I heard her take a deep breath. And then?—
“No.”
The word cut through the air like a blade.
My neck jerked toward her. “What?”
“No,” she repeated.
“No…what?”
Her arms crossed, chin lifting. “No, you don’t get to sabotage this for yourself. Not with me.”
The force in her tone rattled me, but then her edges softened. “I’m the last person who would hate you for this. Youknowwhat I’ve done. Selfish, cruel things. And I didn’t do them for anyone but myself. Butyou?” She stepped closer, eyes flashing. “You did them to protect your sister. To keep your cover so he didn’t grow suspicious. That doesn’t make you a monster, Nox.”
Her voice cracked, wetness glinting on her lashes, but she didn’t back down. “Someone who’s half the man you are would’ve given up by now. But you didn’t. You endured. You saved who you could. And Ihatehim for making you think you can’t have this.” She put her hand back on my cheek, and I closed my eyes, trying to take in her words instead of batting them to the side.
“So, no,” she whispered. “I won’t let you push me away.” She ran her thumb along my lips, and they parted on an exhale. “Youget to be happy. You get to be free. Because if someone like you can’t…what hope do the rest of us have?”
