I looked down at my hands. I’d never spoken these next words aloud, even to Galen. “For a long time, I never wanted to have children. Not when the only example of a father I had was the man who raised me. I refused to be anything like him, but was afraid I’d turn into him, anyway.” I fingered the chain hanging around my neck. “I was more of an heir to him than a son. The child he was responsible for carving into some predetermined image he had in his mind of the future Lord Thorne Reaux, Regent of the North Territory. Someone likehim. Cold, principled, strong.”
I chuckled darkly and tightened my grip on the locket swinging at the end of the chain. “Well,hisversion of strong. To him, being aleader meant forming no attachments. Nothing that could get in the way of accomplishing your goals. I wasn’t allowed to make friends, not unless they were approved by him—which is why Galen and the Zelorias were the only ones in my life up until a certain point. Even something as simple as a pet…”
I trailed off and snuck a glance at her, watching her lips curve down with every sentence. I thought back to that formative memory of my childhood, the one that finally snapped the tether on whatever affection I might have still had for the man.
“I found a rabbit once,” I said. “Tucked away in our front gardens. It was so small, I could fit it in both of my hands, even as a ten-year-old. I made it a bed of hay in the corner of my room and fed him vegetable scraps from the kitchen. It was the first thing that had ever felt likemine. I named him Nutter, because the first time I saw him, he was chewing on nuts from the tree.” Clarissa laughed softly at that. “I would watch him scuffle around my room or the kitchens, excited to see him exploring. In my head, I was giving him a good life. That made me proud, in a way.
“My father found out about him. He took me into his study and punished me, telling me how I needed to value only that which could make me stronger. Make megreater. Anything else was worthless. And then he stormed up to my room and took Nutter from his bed of hay.”
Clarissa leaned in closer as I spoke, and her hand came out to rest on my knee, fingers digging in as if bracing for the rest of the story.
“I ran after him, crying and pleading to let the rabbit go, just let him befree, but that only solidified his point. He said I was weak for becoming so attached to something so inconsequential. I tried to argue that Nutter didn’t make me weak; he made me happy—how could that be bad?” I swallowed thickly. “So, Father took him to his study, where he kept a large tank with his pet snake. Fates, I hated that thing.” A shudder left me.
“He opened the lid, put Nutter inside, and said if he was strong,then I had nothing to worry about.” My voice lowered. “He made me watch as his snake attacked and ate the rabbit.”
Clarissa’s fingers gripped my knee harder. “Thorne, that’s?—”
“It’s the first time I knew what hatred felt like,” I said, needing to get these thoughts out. “I hated him. But I also feared him. I fearedbecominghim. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized he needed me as his heir, so he couldn’t truly touch me. That sparked those rebellious years with Galen at my side, doing any and everything we could to drive our parents crazy. But still…” I paused and scrubbed my hand over my face, the roughness of my beard scratching my palm. “I don’t know, I guess I’ve always held on to that fear. Even when he left us.”
Eyebrows furrowed, Clarissa wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Thorne, you’renothinglike him. He was cruel and vile. A coward hiding behind some archaic view of what men are supposed to be, only to run away in the end. How is that strength?” She scooted closer to me on the couch, forcing me to meet her eyes. “You arewarm. You’re gentle. Compassionate. You held on to that ten-year-old boy, no matter how hard he tried to force it out of you.”
On instinct, I reached out to cover her hand that still rested on my knee. “I was thankful he left. I didn’t want Marigold growing up seeing him and the way he treated those around him. Mother, however…” I grimaced. “She’s been searching for him. I think she wants answers. Or even vengeance, for what he took from us. And if I know her, for the blow he dealt her pride, too.”
“Has she found him?”
“That’s what we were just talking about before you got here. Apparently, he was a gambler and got himself into massive debt right before he left. He took most of our life savings to pay off part of it, then disappeared. The last sign of him was a ledger from a cargo ship here on the island indicating he was on board, but no clue about where he got off. We have a sneaking suspicion it was the Veridian Empire.”
“Four years ago?” she asked, straightening. “But that doesn’tmake sense. Gayl wanted nothing to do with Mysthelm back then. There’s no way he would’ve allowed people to cross our borders.”
I shrugged. “Maybe he didn’t know about it. Didn’t you say your friend Nox was sent here just this last week? Do you really think he and his governor gotpermission? Who knows how long travel between our lands has been going on undetected.”
“Well, who knows if your father made it very far, either. After the way Gayl made outsiders look like the enemy, nobody back then would’ve been particularly receptive to the idea of your people just washing onto our shores. If they came to the wrong place, it would’ve been a bloodbath. I’ve seen them doterriblethings to our own kind…but someone without magic? They’d rip you to shreds. You don’t stand a chance against angry Veridians.”
She glanced over at me. “Sorry, I’m not trying to sound morbid. It’s just a very dangerous gamble to make.” Standing, she began to pace in front of the couch. “Do you think it’s still happening? People crossing between both our borders unprotected?”
“I suppose it could be. We both know Galen wouldn’t have done anything to stop it.”
“Of course he wouldn’t. That would’ve required taking action. We all know how quick he is to do that.”
I raised an eyebrow. “I sense some repressed anger coming to the surface.”
She threw her hands in the air. “Yes, I’m angry. I’ve been angry for a long time, Thorne. And it’s not just about the border crossing.” Her shoulders rose and fell as she took a deep breath, her bare feet padding back and forth across the carpet.
“We keep saying we just need to get through this marriage, that once the curse is broken, it’ll all be over. But breaking the curse isn’t going to change anything, is it? This is just who heis. I know he’s your best friend, and I know you want to defend him. Trust me, I keep doing the same thing. We can’t change the kind of king he is. He claims to care about his people, but what he’s doing now?” She flung a hand to the right, in the direction of his hut several doors down. “Hiding away for days, refusing to talk toanyone?Thatisn’t what leadership looks like. He’sfailedyou, Thorne. All of you. He shouldn’t be your king.”
I sighed and took her hand, making her stop pacing and turn to me. “But he is,” I said simply.
Clarissa stared down at me, her chest heaving and eyes bright with resolve. Fates, she was beautiful like this. She was beautiful all the time, but so often when I looked at her, I saw that pacifying mask she wore. The one she thought others wanted to see, of the controlled, peaceful woman with a submissive gaze, instead of the fire I knew could burn them to the ground. She felt the need to hide her strong emotions, but something in my chest swelled at the thought that she’d never hidden them aroundme.
I pulled her to stand in between my legs, caging her in. She rested her hands on my shoulder as I gazed up at her. “I know it’s hard for you to watch him fail his people when you’ve grown so attached to them. Because youknowhow they should be treated. I told you that day in the hedge maze that we’d be lucky to have you as our queen, and I meant it. But we shouldn’t be your burden to bear.”
“I just want him to be better for all of you,” she whispered. “I wish I couldmakehim better.”
I chuckled softly. “If anyone could do it, it’s you. By sheer will alone.”
She bit down on her bottom lip. “I may have a control issue.”
“You just feel deeply. That’s not a bad thing, Empress,” I said, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
