It was interesting to see the interaction between the guys and Scooter. The way the Zoo moved and their connection with each other made me feel like an outcast. So much so that I started to question why I chose to be part of something I didn’t feel connected to. The Zoo’s version of what a crew looked like was different from what I was used to. Before them, being tight knit wasn’t a thing. Yes, we rode together and stepped in every now and then, but never close enough to feel like family. Now, each one of my friends was growing up, including Sasha. They had softened their egos to be part of the one thing I’ve never had, which was family.
We had finally made it to Covana. When I pulled up to the campus, Scooter got out. “I hit up the RA for Keith’s floor and told them you were coming. You can’t be here long, so we need to figure some shit out. I will get you a new phone so you can have access to that money. Oh, and Scooter,” I paused before heclosed the door. “We’re linking up with Dio. So whatever issues you need to resolve with Keith, do it.”
He waved me off, closed the door, and headed toward the dorms. I sat in the parking lot watching him, wondering what it was like to have someone to run to when shit got hard. I didn’t want to dwell on my thoughts, so I decided to go to the one place I knew would ease my mind.
PRESS PLAY
Tonight, for whatever reason, I wanted to remove the mask. I didn’t want to be Beans. I wanted to see what it felt like to let Braylen lead, even if it were only for a night. I didn’t know if this was a good idea or if this would backfire on me later, but I didn’t want to be alone tonight. I made a few stops before pulling up to my destination, grabbed the things I had gotten from my car, and strolled up to the door. I knocked and waited. It took a few minutes, but when she opened the door, my knees got weak. Her flawless cocoa skin, deep brown eyes, full lips, and short stature complemented each other so well.
Her head flew back in surprise. “Braylen, what are you doing here?”
I held up a gamer bucket. I selected each item from the different things I knew she liked. Over the years, Piggy had grown on me; she had become the one person that I knew who would be there for me through the storm. She had somehow managed to seep through my cold heart and warm it up from time to time.
Piggy gave me a confused look. “Why didn’t you call me?” she asked, taking the bucket from my hand.
“I was busy. Can I come in?”
She rolled her eyes, “You somehow found your way in last time, why ask now?” she hissed as she stood back, granting me access.
I knew she was upset that I hadn’t reached out to her since doing what we did, but I had already fucked up by blurring the lines. I wasn’t sure how to approach the situation between her and me. However, here I was again, standing before her. I watched as she pulled the items from her bucket: snacks, socks, gift cards, an orange game controller, and flowers.
Seeing her this happy made me wonder if I could do this all the time.Was I deserving of a partner? Could I be in a relationship?She hurried over to me, hugging me tightly. “Thank you,” she murmured.
I leaned down and kissed her forehead. “No problem.”
She lifted her head to look at me. The more I stared into her eyes, the more confused I became because the way each part of me saw her was different. The softer side saw her as a precious diamond, but the aggressive side saw her as my nasty girl. Piggy was the one thing that lived rent-free in my head, and it had become so bad that the darker side of me had done things that I couldn’t take back. She placed her hands on my face. “What is it? I know something is wrong, Braylen. I’ve been seeing it for years.”
It was that, calling me Braylen, being gentle and caring for my needs. She wanted to pry, and as much as I was screaming inside to share those things, I couldn’t. This was not how women were. They didn’t care about a nigga’s needs, only their own. This had to be some façade to get me to bend, and I refused. I leaned closer toward her. “I don’t know how to be this way,” I mumbled.
The fear and confusion that sat on her face made my stomach flutter. My emotions were doing shit that it had never done before. “What way?” she asked.
“Soft. I—”
She stood on her tippytoes and pressed her lips to mine. Three years and I had never kissed her, but the shit felt good. Her lips were soft, her tongue was inviting, and she made a nigga melt inside. The girl I shared a space with, the one I noticed since her freshman year of college. The girl who came running every time I called had finally kissed me. The longer we kissed, the weaker I became. I forced myself to pull away before I folded, and she had complete control.
She nervously stepped back. “I’m sorry, I thought,” she paused. “Never mind, let’s chill,” she said as she headed toward her futon.
I walked over toward her and sat down. “How are you comfortable with this shit?” I asked.
She laughed. “I don’t know. Look, everyone doesn’t have money like that, so I did what I could.”
I ran my hand over my scruffy beard, “I’m not judging, but shit.”
She pointed at me before connecting her new controller to her game, “You're judging, but it’s cool. Can I ask you a personal question without you shutting down?”
I was really trying to remain in Braylen mode, so I was going to try to answer whatever question she had. “Go ahead and ask.”
She placed her hand on my leg, “Have you ever been in a relationship?”
I took a deep breath. “No.”
“Why?” she asked.
I knew this was coming and wasn’t sure how to answer it, but I also knew she needed an answer. “The relationship I’ve been exposed to wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t that there was arguing or anything, but my,” I paused. “My mother was very controlling, and it didn’t matter what my dad did; it was never good enough. Then everyone in the outside world’s relationships were fucked up, and after seeing that, I knew it wasn’t for me. It sounds crazy, but to me, love doesn’t exist.”
She scooted closer, “But it does, you just haven’t found it,” she said softly.
I turned to look at her, and there was that look again. “I’m so fucked up inside, Piggy. Have you ever felt like you were someone else? Like you know who you’re supposed to be, but things have changed over time, and in you, you’ve created this version of yourself that you know no one would understand?”
