Chapter Five
With the morningcrowd gone and the lunch crowd not arriving for another hour, I was left alone. Alone wasn’t good. It left time to think too much. I could run home and take a break until the lunch rush, or I couldstay.
I went to the kitchen. “I canhelp—”
“Not until you read those letters,” Zoey said with no room forargument.
I sighed and returned to the table with Dylan’s letters waiting for me. Fine, I’d get this over with so everyone would leave mealone.
The rubber band snapped apart before I could get it off the letters. I studied the front of the envelope on top that was dated six months ago. It had taken him over eighteen months before he’d sent word tome.
Smears of ink blurred the upper left corner into only a few legible words: Specialist, Fort, and Dylan. I thumbed through to the last envelope dated only a few weeks ago. This one I could read: Sergeant DylanMarkham.
Strange how I didn’t know if Specialist or Sergeant was good or bad. I knew nothing about the military, and I obviously knew even less about Dylan. A boyfriend who I once shared everything with, including my fears, my hopes, and my dreams. We’d promised to spend the rest of our lives together, and then he wasgone.
I dropped the envelopes onto the table once more and rubbed my temple, trying to free it of the throbbing pain. Zoey was right. If I ever wanted to move on, I had to face thepast.
After several deep breaths, I opened the oldest envelope, unfolded the crinkled paper, and began toread.
Aves,
I know this letter must come as a surprise to you after over a year and a half since I left. Often, I dream about you, envisioning what your life is like now that I am gone, wondering if everyone had been right that you were better off withoutme.
You’re probably backpacking through Europe or on some amazing adventure or in college. I don’t know. All I know is that you’ve never left myheart.
I’m doubtful that this letter made it through the sisterly checkpoint, but I had to try to explain why I left, if for no other reason than you deserve toknow.
On the night I left your house after we argued, and I told you I’d leave town with or without you, I changed my mind. I couldn’t leave you behind, so I barreled through town on my way back to explain when I ran into Sheriff Milton. I won’t bore you with all the details, but after a long night of questioning and him finding marijuana in the trunk of my father’s car, he made a deal with me. If I left immediately and joined the military, he wouldn’t put me in jail. If I stayed, he’d keep me as far from you as he could before I ruined yourlife.
For months I was angry, but a part of me knew you deserved better than I could give, so I joined the Army. Basic was tough. Tougher than anything I had ever done. My first week, I suffered from hand tremors and depression and missing you. After week two, I managed to assimilate to the culture but not to missingyou.
I thought if I could just make it through training then I would be a better man and more deserving of your love. When it ended, I was ready to go explain what happened and promise you a better life, but Icouldn’t.
After I completed my training, I was informed that I’d be shipped overseas. I was going to war, and I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t return. For the first couple of months, I survived by looking at the picture of you I carried everywhere I went. I dreamed about someday holding you in my armsand…
My throat closed,and my chest tightened. Too much. All of it was too much. I rested my head on the table in front of me and heaved through the emotions, but I didn’tcry.
The thought of Dylan in danger crippled me from rational thought. I wanted to run, pull him into my arms, and beg his forgiveness for all the bad things I’d said about him. He wasn’t a loser or a deadbeat like his father or mine. Yet, I still hated him for leaving. One letter… That was all it took for me to question my feelings. This was what scared me. The ability to forgive and move on, only to be hurtagain.
No, I wouldn’t let that happen. I’d read his letter and prove to myself that I was strong enough to move on with my life. Zoey and Sadie were right. I needed closure, so I lifted the paper and readmore.
…promising you a better future.I’ve been here for over a year now, and I have more to go. I’m working hard to make sergeant so that we can have a better life together. The army has taught me so much, and now that I am looking at coming home, I’m beginning to see thingsdifferently.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m still alive, and if I make it home to you, I’ll do whatever it takes to win youback.
Love,
Dylan
Iloweredthe letter to the table and stared at it as if the words were some cryptic code I had to decipher. After placing letter number one back in its envelope, I eyed the four other letters waiting for me to read them. There wasn’t enough energy in the world for me to open another one right now, so I rested my head in my hands. The weight of Dylan’s words felt like a thousand-pound stale cookie resting on myshoulders.
A jingle at the door told me another customer had entered, but I didn’t have the strength to lift my head and facethem.
A large, strong hand rubbed my back between my shoulders. I didn’t have to turn around for my body to know that touch. It was as familiar today as it was almost three yearsago.
“Are you okay?” Dylan asked. His voice was hoarse and gritty. “I didn’t mean to upsetyou.”
I shot up, knocking the chair back with a bang. “I’mfine.”
