As soon as I close my door, I rest my back against it, close my eyes, and try to recover my breath Xai just stole. That was a lot.He’sa whole lot and I don’t know what the hell just happened. Unfortunately, I’m unable to even process because when I open my eyes, four little bright and curious ones peer at me instead of being somewhere in their room.
“I know I said go to your room. Didn’t I?” I ask.
“Yes, ma’am,” they reply.
“Sorry, Mommie,” Averi adds. “I wanted to see Xai. Is he coming in?”
“No, he went home.”
“Is he coming in the morning?” Romi asks.
“No, sweetie. He isn’t,” I say and she frowns.
“I hope he said he’s sorry. I want him to come tomorrow,” Averi says.
My babies love this man as much as I do.What the hell am I really going to do?I’ve been furious with him and missing him at the same damn time for almost two weeks. My tears occur less, and I’m back at work, but I’m not one hundred. My heart still hurts. Honestly, I feel like I’m standing on a cliff and gravity is pulling me down while a strong arm prevents me from dropping. One wrong move, the incorrect decision, and I’ll fall, and not in a good way.
Xai hurt me; he hurt me bad.
“Let’s get you two to bed. It’s getting late,” I say, one thousand percent deflecting.
“We don’t have school in the morning,” Averi protests.
“It’s Saturday tomorrow,” Romi cosigns.
“I know but you’ve both had a long week and need to rest. Mommie does too. I’m tired.”Emotionally and physically.
“Can I sleep with you?” Averi asks.
“Me too?”
“Go use the bathroom then grab your pillows while I close up out here,” I tell them and they take off out of the living room.
There’s nothing to do out here. I tell a white lie because I just need time, a few minutes to digest what just occurred less than five minutes ago with Xai. He’d fixed my mother’s phone and kissed me, twice, and I let him. I also listened, really listened, to what he was saying. The day I discovered my mother’s phone in his truck, my agony and disappointment clogged my ears and I couldn’t really hear him. I also didn’t want to hear him.
Tonight was different. I heard every remorseful word and each was filled with love. There’s no doubt that he loves me; Ijust don’t know if I can ever trust him again. And what is love without trust?
After taking a deep breath, I grab my bonnet from by the door, hit the lights, turn the light on over the stove, then head to my room. The sight of my little princesses makes me smile. They have already made themselves comfortable in my bed and strategically left room for me in the middle of them. I place my mom’s phone on my dresser, secure my bonnet on my head, then join them in bed. We say our prayers then snuggle up and watch KidTV until they drift to sleep. For me, sleep is evasive and I spend the majority of the night thinking.
Is what Xai did forgivable?
Can I ever trust him again?
Is love enough?
I swear the minute I close my eyes to try and sleep, Averi wakes and climbs out of bed. Naturally, Romi is next. Their movement jerks me out of my sleep and I roll over and see the time on my clock. It’s seven forty-six and too damn early for me to drag my sleepless and restless body from this bed.
Through hooded, heavy eyelids, I watch as they leave my room then return with their toothbrushes. I keep a tube of their toothpaste in my bathroom. I somehow doze off as they brush their teeth but I’m awakened minutes later by Romi climbing back into the bed.
“Mommie, you up?” she asks.
“A little. Good morning.”
“Good morning. I want something to eat.”
“How can someone so little want to eat all the time?” I ask and she shrugs.
“I don’t know,” she says and I smile.
