Here’s to another year of you.
Mum x
It was all he could do not to burst into tears right there and then. Quickly, he began to type out a reply, allowing the emotion of her words to spur on his own. It was surprisingly easy once he got going: updating her on his phone situation, where he was in the world and how he was doing; all of which contained about a hundred white lies, but still, there was truth nestled in there somewhere. He wondered if his mum would even believe it was him writing; he hadn’t shared so much in so long that he wouldn’t be surprised if she mistook it as a fraudulent attempt to scam her into sending money abroad. Either way, he’d done his bit, and now it was a matter of time before he saw her reaction.
As he pressed send, the tears began to fall, blurring the screen so much that he almost missed her name.
From:[email protected]
Re:Re:Might have found the new best dosa in India …
His heart immediately rose from the pit of his stomach to the top of his throat.
Hey! I’m so sorry to hear you got sick – are you feeling better now? I did wonder if a rogue street food vendor had been the cause of your absence, and it appeared my intuition was right. Must be what happens when you become spiritually enlightened. Because yes, I am an official yogi master now. Three sessions in and I still can’t stand on one leg! I do it in this little shack on the beach, with an amazing teacher called Cece – you’d like her, she’s a universe convert too. I think Agonda is my favourite place on earth – the sand and the ocean are stunning. Only a few days left for me, and then back home I go. So, if you need some R&R for your health, and if the gods of fate allow it, of course, I would highly recommend you come here. The ocean wants to say hi to you back.
Yours, relieved you’re alive, Olivia x
An entire landslide of emotions cascaded through him. Shame at the cold and callous message he’d sent to her. Joy and pure euphoria at reading hers. Relief that she’d even bothered to reply. And then, buried beneath all of that, a deep and powerful longing. To go to her. To feel the sand between his toes and the salty sweet breath of the water on his face.
Life’s too short to be anywhere but by the sea.
Hehadsaid that as a little boy! He could remember it so clearly now. He was trying to convince his mum to take him out of school for the day, so that they could run away to the beach together after his dad had left. It was the only placethat made him happy, that brought him peace. The only place he ever wanted to be.
Jacob looked around him. The cafe was suddenly too dark and too tightly packed. The pollution of the city air clogged his lungs with each forced breath he tried to take. What was he doing staying here? Wasn’t his whole reason for leaving home to live a life he wanted? A life of freedom?
An irrational urge to run took over his body. He went to stand; the motion was so abrupt that out of his pocket fell his notebook and dice. Their presence was a sobering reminder of why he did what he did. Why he gave himself up to the mercy of fate.
He felt his body tense under the pressure, his entire being wrestling with itself as to which step to take next. He scooped up his belongings and slammed them down hard on the desk. Maybe he should ask his friend the Universe what she thought of all this. Wasn’t it her that had brought Olivia into his life in the first place, thrusting her into his path not once, but twice? If she didn’t want him to feel these things, if she didn’t want him to find connection, why the hell did she insist on bringing it to him?
He snatched up the dice and squeezed them tightly in his hand.
Two shakes and a roll. Show me, Universe, do I stay or do I go?
He threw the dice hard, scattering them across the desk. One flew out of sight, the other coming to a stop in front of him.
A five.
‘A five and a what, though …’ he hissed, peering down at the floor in search of the missing die. He tried not to think about what his hands were touching as he fumbled around,reaching into the corners and along the back walls. There was hair, empty sweet wrappers and some very hard and very used chewing gum, but no die.
Jacob stood up and pulled the bulky computer away from the wall. The die had to be somewhere. Heneededit to be somewhere. Reams of wires tangled in on themselves like knotted veins, gathering dust and debris. He prised them apart like pieces of spaghetti, trying hard to ignore the dirty looks from the woman next to him as he worked.
‘Excuse me,’ she finally interrupted, ‘but may I ask what the hell you’re doing?’
‘I’m looking for my dice,’ he replied, not bothering to look up from his excavation project.
‘Well, it’s right there.’
His head snapped up so quickly he felt his neck crack from the force. The haughty-looking lady was pointing at the desk behind them. Jacob launched himself to the floor. There it was: the second die. Nestled in the corner, stuck on its side. Halfway between two numbers.
A three and a six.
An odd and an even.
A burst of laughter erupted from him.
The answer to his question was suddenly extremely clear.
This time, it was his turn to decide.
